I can't recall if I've written it before...seems to me I haven't. Either way, it's been on my mind a lot lately.
Her whole pregnancy was a roller coaster ride, I suppose I shouldn't have expected any different for the labor and delivery...
I had preterm labor on two different occasions. After being told the whole time that she would likely be very premature, due to my 'special' uterus, I was very surprised to be entering my 40th week of pregnancy. Still, I was content.
I had a doc appointment at 10 am, so I went to work to tie up some loose ends...just in case...
At the appointment, the doc was really concerned about my blood pressure. I can't recall what the numbers were, but it was enough for the doc to send me for monitoring at the hospital. It was on the way there that the contractions started.
Got to the hospital at 11 am and I was 4 cm dilated. 2 more hours and I made it to 5. The doc, still concerned about my blood pressure, wanted to give me meds to speed along the labor. I declined meds, but allowed her to break my water...big mistake. I had no clue how much the pain would intensify after that.
At 5 pm, I finally made it to 7 cm. I used the labor ball to help with pain and sat there comfortably for a couple more hours. It wasn't until I decided to try a warm bath that I started to feel a lot of pressure. I got excited thinking I was near the end...nope...no progress. At 9 pm, I was still at 7 and I started bawling.
I lost all confidence in myself. I panicked because I felt like there was no way I could go another minute with that pain and no progress.
I got an epidural.
It was never my plan and I feel guilty about it now, but in that moment, it was probably the right decision. At 10 pm, I was resting comfortably, waiting for my labor to progress.
At 6 am, the nurse came to check me and I was at 'a stretchy 9 cm'. She suggested I push to see if we could get to a 10... big mistake #2... but I started pushing just after 6. It was a good 4 hours of pushing without progress and I was SO tired. By the time she actually started to come out, I wasn't sure I could finish pushing. The doctor tried to be encouraging, telling me to push so I could see all the hair she has (she was born nearly bald...peach fuzz is all she had...such a lie) and telling me I was doing a great job.
It wasn't until the last few pushes where things started to get crazy.
I finally pushed her head out and the doc saw the cord around her neck twice. It was never indicated on the fetal monitor. The doc cut the cord and told me to push harder because she needed to be out immediately. Then the flood of docs and nurses came in the room. I tried pushing, but she wasn't budging.
Shoulder Dystocia.
My sweet little babe was stuck, without the cord giving her oxygen.
Panic filled the room. And it all became a blur to me.
I don't even know how long it took, but the doc eventually wiggled her out.
Scarlett was born at 10:53 am.
She was blue and limp and that was all I got to see. She was rushed to the opposite side of the room where there were docs and nurses waiting to work on her.
The only thing I remember is asking repeatedly 'why isn't she crying?' and no one giving me an answer. Minutes passed...seemed like longer. When she finally took her first breath and started wailing, I was at peace.
For the doc, panic continued.
My placenta was stuck. Apparently the whole time I was concerned about my baby, she was trying to help me deliver the placenta. I was bleeding a lot. So much so that she had to take immediate action. I will never ever forget the look on my doctor's face or her tone of voice when she said
"I'm so sorry to have to do this, but I have to stop this bleeding"
The only time I screamed or really made more than a moan during my whole labor (all 24 hours of it) was when she tore my placenta away from my uterus. On the scale of pain I've had in my life, here's how it goes... Kidney stones, this placenta thing, then labor/birth.
I don't remember much after that. I'm told I went pale and started to go in and out of consciousness. They let my waiting family in the room to see the baby and then asked everyone to leave. At some point, I remember a nurse waking me to breastfeed. Honestly though, until about 5 pm that night, I was completely out of it. I ended up needing 2 blood transfusions.
In a word, the day was traumatic.
Between the troubles with the baby (her first apgar was 3) and the troubles I had, I never in my life imagined that kind of birth. Maybe that is why I am longing so badly for a natural, uneventful, "normal" birth. I don't remember much of Scarlett's first day, let along her first few minutes alive. I watched this show called One Born Every Minute and in one of the episodes, there was a birth that was just like mine. I cried. It was incredible to see it from an outside perspective. SO terrifying. (http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/one-born-every-minute/episodes/season-1/episode-2)
We both recovered quickly though. I know things could've easily been different. I'm thankful for my spunky little 3 yr old, even if we did have a rough start. LOL!
Consumed
Posted in on by
That's the best way I can put it...
CONSUMED
I feel like right now every moment that I'm not busy with Scar and Liv, or work, or some other little task is instead enveloped in thoughts of Vada.
Another stubborn little girl.
Another baby that just won't turn the right way.
I've tried (and continue to try daily) every possible thing to get her to turn her tush around. It's so frustrating to have no luck with it.
-Cesarean-
Ugh. It pains me just to type the word, let alone speak it. That is what I have to look forward to if she doesn't move. Not the worst thing in the world, I know. Plenty of people do it, but is it so terrible that I want to have a natural birth? I want to have that slippery, goopy little baby delivered onto my chest and have those first few moments of her life right next to me.
It's usually right here in my thoughts that my tears start flowing.
I have been trying to stay positive, but each day that passes and I still have a breech baby makes it just a little bit harder. If I have to have a c-section again, I will never have that chance for the natural birth so desire. Our hospital doesn't allow VBAC after 2 cesareans.
To add insult to injury, my silly sister-in-law wants to complain to me...me of all people she could talk to... about how bad her episiotomy still hurts. Bleh. I'd love the chance to have an episiotmy to heal from.
Yes, I know that many women would love the chance for a c-section. And I know that this could be construed many different ways. And I definitely know that I should be very grateful that I'm even lucky enough to have a baby.
But just for this moment, I want to complain. I want to shout from the roofs about how unfair it is. I want to feel that sorry for myself.
Because after I get all of this out, I will rise again.
I will remember to be grateful. I will hold my head high and know that I've done all I can. I will lay it in His hands and He will take care of V and me. I will be stronger for my struggles.
More than all of that... I will be a mother again.
I will hold my tiny little babe and nothing else in this world will matter.
Now I can take a deep breath because I feel better already.
CONSUMED
I feel like right now every moment that I'm not busy with Scar and Liv, or work, or some other little task is instead enveloped in thoughts of Vada.
Another stubborn little girl.
Another baby that just won't turn the right way.
I've tried (and continue to try daily) every possible thing to get her to turn her tush around. It's so frustrating to have no luck with it.
-Cesarean-
Ugh. It pains me just to type the word, let alone speak it. That is what I have to look forward to if she doesn't move. Not the worst thing in the world, I know. Plenty of people do it, but is it so terrible that I want to have a natural birth? I want to have that slippery, goopy little baby delivered onto my chest and have those first few moments of her life right next to me.
It's usually right here in my thoughts that my tears start flowing.
I have been trying to stay positive, but each day that passes and I still have a breech baby makes it just a little bit harder. If I have to have a c-section again, I will never have that chance for the natural birth so desire. Our hospital doesn't allow VBAC after 2 cesareans.
To add insult to injury, my silly sister-in-law wants to complain to me...me of all people she could talk to... about how bad her episiotomy still hurts. Bleh. I'd love the chance to have an episiotmy to heal from.
Yes, I know that many women would love the chance for a c-section. And I know that this could be construed many different ways. And I definitely know that I should be very grateful that I'm even lucky enough to have a baby.
But just for this moment, I want to complain. I want to shout from the roofs about how unfair it is. I want to feel that sorry for myself.
Because after I get all of this out, I will rise again.
I will remember to be grateful. I will hold my head high and know that I've done all I can. I will lay it in His hands and He will take care of V and me. I will be stronger for my struggles.
More than all of that... I will be a mother again.
I will hold my tiny little babe and nothing else in this world will matter.
Now I can take a deep breath because I feel better already.
Pray
Posted in changes, Finding me, growing up, Pray on by
Oh blog... I always remember to come in my biggest time of need. I should be making regular deposits here and not letting it all build up inside of me. I sure have a lot on my mind these days...
I'm kind of in a pickle lately. On top of moving and getting all things for that ready, I find myself struggling to prove myself to people...or rather a certain person. It's silly. The people that see it, already know and the people who don't know, just don't seem to care.
I guess it goes back to my previous post. All I really want is to be loved, approved of and appreciated... It's going to be hard to let that one go, but it is so very important for me right now.
So I guess I need to ask for prayers. Please pray for me to find my way and to learn to give things to God. Please pray that I find the ability to just let go sometimes...and know the difference between the things I should let go and the ones that I should hold on to for dear life.
Amazing how a little bit of writing can change my day. I feel lighter already.
I'm kind of in a pickle lately. On top of moving and getting all things for that ready, I find myself struggling to prove myself to people...or rather a certain person. It's silly. The people that see it, already know and the people who don't know, just don't seem to care.
I guess it goes back to my previous post. All I really want is to be loved, approved of and appreciated... It's going to be hard to let that one go, but it is so very important for me right now.
So I guess I need to ask for prayers. Please pray for me to find my way and to learn to give things to God. Please pray that I find the ability to just let go sometimes...and know the difference between the things I should let go and the ones that I should hold on to for dear life.
Amazing how a little bit of writing can change my day. I feel lighter already.
First Love
Posted in adele, complaint, first love, frustrations on by
So little to say
So much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
-Adele, First Love
I bite my tongue...a lot. I hate to make waves, make people feel uncomfortable or awkward, or worse, causing hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that it often hurts me to keep my mouth shut. I am the one who ends up suffering because I didn't stand up for myself, or clarify my stance or feelings.
In the recent months, I've found myself wanting to speak up more...and today, I find it incredibly hard to keep myself from making a bad situation worse by saying my peace on it. In my heart, I know it will only make things worse. Having a big blow up right now won't do anyone any good...on the other hand, I have so much I want to say. I guess I'm hoping by writing some of this out, I can let it go. A friend suggested I give it up to god... maybe this is my way of doing that... I'm not really sure. I just know that right now I need to be free of it. I don't need the stress, the anxiety or the heartache. So I will pull into my cocoon and start healing...but beware of the day that the final straw breaks the camel's back ;)
So much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
-Adele, First Love
I bite my tongue...a lot. I hate to make waves, make people feel uncomfortable or awkward, or worse, causing hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that it often hurts me to keep my mouth shut. I am the one who ends up suffering because I didn't stand up for myself, or clarify my stance or feelings.
In the recent months, I've found myself wanting to speak up more...and today, I find it incredibly hard to keep myself from making a bad situation worse by saying my peace on it. In my heart, I know it will only make things worse. Having a big blow up right now won't do anyone any good...on the other hand, I have so much I want to say. I guess I'm hoping by writing some of this out, I can let it go. A friend suggested I give it up to god... maybe this is my way of doing that... I'm not really sure. I just know that right now I need to be free of it. I don't need the stress, the anxiety or the heartache. So I will pull into my cocoon and start healing...but beware of the day that the final straw breaks the camel's back ;)
Love, Lust and Faking It
Posted in Finding me, growing up on by
God spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen
-Byron Katie --from Jenny McCarthy's book:: Love, Lust and Faking It
This quote is something I haven't been able to get off my mind since I read it... the funny thing is that I started this post in November. I just can't seem to put into words how this makes me feel. I know it's has struck a chord deep in my mind. I ponder it nearly every day.
I think when it comes right down to it, I want to be spared.
It is my desire for love, approval and appreciation that cause most of my heartache. I'm too sensitive... Especially to how others percieve me.
On the other hand, is that what drives us? Love, approval and/or appreciation. Do we become better people as a result of desiring those things from others?
I chip away at it every day. My understanding of myself and my needs from others is continually evolving. I admit that I'm still finding my way to God and I know the closer I get there, the easier the rest will get. It's all just a part of my journey.
-Byron Katie --from Jenny McCarthy's book:: Love, Lust and Faking It
This quote is something I haven't been able to get off my mind since I read it... the funny thing is that I started this post in November. I just can't seem to put into words how this makes me feel. I know it's has struck a chord deep in my mind. I ponder it nearly every day.
I think when it comes right down to it, I want to be spared.
It is my desire for love, approval and appreciation that cause most of my heartache. I'm too sensitive... Especially to how others percieve me.
On the other hand, is that what drives us? Love, approval and/or appreciation. Do we become better people as a result of desiring those things from others?
I chip away at it every day. My understanding of myself and my needs from others is continually evolving. I admit that I'm still finding my way to God and I know the closer I get there, the easier the rest will get. It's all just a part of my journey.
Gone
Posted in on by
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're
Gone
-N'Sync
I have a heavy heart today. I guess you could call it an un-birthday of sorts... Today is the day that my little angel baby would've been a year old.
As my friends had said when it first happened, time has helped me heal, but not forget. And I'm sure a million years could pass and I will still remember this day, as well the other milestones of my pregnancy.
A good friend of mine was due the same week. At the time, I hated it. Every time I saw her just reminded me of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I saw the milestones I never reached in my pregnancy.
But now, I find myself thankful.
I was blessed with another baby. A beautiful, jubilant little butterball. You can't help but smile when you look at her...her smile is so infectious. And she lets me squish and hug and cuddle her until she can't breathe. And my little girls...the little sisters... are an amazing gift I was given. Something I would never change.
AND
I get to watch my friend's baby grow. I get to remember my angel when I see her little girl. And when she celebrates her first birthday on Wednesday, I will be there. I will hold her and squeeze her like she was my own...because she will always have a special place in my heart. She will always be my sweet reminder that I did have another baby... My body did hold another little life... My life was changed.
And instead of the anger and pain I once had, I find peace, and love and hope. God had another plan for me...
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're
Gone
-N'Sync
I have a heavy heart today. I guess you could call it an un-birthday of sorts... Today is the day that my little angel baby would've been a year old.
As my friends had said when it first happened, time has helped me heal, but not forget. And I'm sure a million years could pass and I will still remember this day, as well the other milestones of my pregnancy.
A good friend of mine was due the same week. At the time, I hated it. Every time I saw her just reminded me of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I saw the milestones I never reached in my pregnancy.
But now, I find myself thankful.
I was blessed with another baby. A beautiful, jubilant little butterball. You can't help but smile when you look at her...her smile is so infectious. And she lets me squish and hug and cuddle her until she can't breathe. And my little girls...the little sisters... are an amazing gift I was given. Something I would never change.
AND
I get to watch my friend's baby grow. I get to remember my angel when I see her little girl. And when she celebrates her first birthday on Wednesday, I will be there. I will hold her and squeeze her like she was my own...because she will always have a special place in my heart. She will always be my sweet reminder that I did have another baby... My body did hold another little life... My life was changed.
And instead of the anger and pain I once had, I find peace, and love and hope. God had another plan for me...
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Aquarius
Posted in astrology, birthday, Finding me, regina spektor, Scarlett on by
Born of a sign that carries water
But in a month that brings just ice
I'm not a skillful water carrier
But I've learned to carry love
learned to carry love
-Regina Spektor
Scarlett had a sensitive morning today. I mentioned it to her teacher at daycare and she said "oh, she's aquarius right? it's all good". Kind of made me giggle... My little 'water' baby. I guess I can see that...her emotions are so fluid... here's what astrology had to say about her :: An Aquarian child will often be totally unpredictable and come up with with lots of ideas; she will also be sensitive and intuitive :: and that she is.
Suprisingly, both of my girls are true to thier 'signs'...mommy, too::
The Virgo in a nutshell-
Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something.
It kind of makes me wonder what I could learn about my friends and family if I knew more about thier signs. I can see how I could become a better friend and shoulder to lean on if I understood their thought processes.
I mean, I can't help but question it all, but is sure is interesting, right?
But in a month that brings just ice
I'm not a skillful water carrier
But I've learned to carry love
learned to carry love
-Regina Spektor
Scarlett had a sensitive morning today. I mentioned it to her teacher at daycare and she said "oh, she's aquarius right? it's all good". Kind of made me giggle... My little 'water' baby. I guess I can see that...her emotions are so fluid... here's what astrology had to say about her :: An Aquarian child will often be totally unpredictable and come up with with lots of ideas; she will also be sensitive and intuitive :: and that she is.
Suprisingly, both of my girls are true to thier 'signs'...mommy, too::
The Virgo in a nutshell-
Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something.
It kind of makes me wonder what I could learn about my friends and family if I knew more about thier signs. I can see how I could become a better friend and shoulder to lean on if I understood their thought processes.
I mean, I can't help but question it all, but is sure is interesting, right?
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