My Oh My

Times have changed and so have I
I once was young and starry-eyed
- The Wreckers

I was talking with my mom the other day, and was suprised by one of her questions...

"So, why do you feed Liv on demand and not on a schedule like you did with Scarlett?"

The funny thing about that question is that Liv is technically on the same scheudle that Scarlett was, but it was her own doing, not mine.

But in all honesty, I didn't know how to answer her question. I immediately felt defensive, like she was questioning my parenting. In fact, I'm sure she was because it was different than how she did it and infinitely different than how her mother did it. See, that's the funny thing about first children... I feel like it took me so long to find my footing after having Scarlett that I took other people's advice like it was gold and not just an opinion. I tried so hard to 'look' like a good mom in other people's eyes, because I didn't want them to see how difficult the transition was for me. I loved and hoped for people to tell me how I was "such a natural mother" and I like to think a little bit of that is true. There are definitely nurturing, maternal things that came quickly, but I didn't trust myself or my instincts. I was so scared of doing something wrong.

I'm sure of myself now. I know I'm a good mom. I don't need the constant reassurance and I don't need to know how everyone else used to do it or would if they had another baby. Of course, I welcome opinions and advice, but I know that's all it is...opinions and advice. Mother knows best, right? I'm the mother now :) I love that feeling. I love that I know what is right for my daughters and my family. It's so empowering. I'm sure I'll still make plenty of mistakes, but that's the beauty of it.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty

It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).

It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...

The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.

I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.

My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?

My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.

My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.

Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...

I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.

I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.

HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.

Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.

Let's just blame it on the rain, k?

And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.

Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.

I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.

Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.

A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.

Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.

One More Girl

I took off my iron smile
because I felt it weighed me down.
-The Wreckers- One More Girl

Maybe it's my hormones, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. Just when I start feeling good, something else happens...another fight, another setback, another angry person.

I love my husband to pieces, but sometimes he just doesn't *get it*. I was excited to find out that we would be getting our childcare paid for, saving us loads of money. I thought it would be a great way to pay off our awful debt. He is trying to manipulate the situation so we spend more on his car than the insurance company gave us. I feel like the bad guy. We've shopped for 2 weeks for a car for him and he has turned down every one we saw that was in our budget. I feel like he's trying to break me down. I want out of debt, not into more debt!! Just frustrating.

And my mom... I know she gave birth to me and raised me, but does that give her the right to make my decisions? It's funny because some friends and I were talking about this really recently...this hold our mothers have over us. Yesterday I told my mom that I didn't want to find out the gender of this baby, but Adam does. I told her I would likely give in and we would find out, but I think it would be loads of fun to wait until delivery. She proceeded to tell me that if we didn't find out, she would. She would ask the tech, she would call, she would do what she had to do to know what gender my baby is. That's completely unacceptable in my opinion, but for some reason, she feels like that is her right. The conversation ended with her hanging up on me and me in tears. She was in the wrong, yet somehow I feel bad about the situation. Boo! She hates the name we picked out for a girl, too. She says she will absolutely never call her granddaughter by that name. Again...not her decision. She had her children and did everything how she wanted to and now it's my turn. Why doesn't she understand that? I can't wait to see my baby and know that it is healthy, but now I dread the decision of finding out the gender or not. It makes me want to go alone.

Ok, this was a huge vent post, but I feel a lot better after writing it. I need to write more often. My goal will be to write 3 more times this week!!