God spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen
-Byron Katie --from Jenny McCarthy's book:: Love, Lust and Faking It
This quote is something I haven't been able to get off my mind since I read it... the funny thing is that I started this post in November. I just can't seem to put into words how this makes me feel. I know it's has struck a chord deep in my mind. I ponder it nearly every day.
I think when it comes right down to it, I want to be spared.
It is my desire for love, approval and appreciation that cause most of my heartache. I'm too sensitive... Especially to how others percieve me.
On the other hand, is that what drives us? Love, approval and/or appreciation. Do we become better people as a result of desiring those things from others?
I chip away at it every day. My understanding of myself and my needs from others is continually evolving. I admit that I'm still finding my way to God and I know the closer I get there, the easier the rest will get. It's all just a part of my journey.
Gone
Posted in on by
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're
Gone
-N'Sync
I have a heavy heart today. I guess you could call it an un-birthday of sorts... Today is the day that my little angel baby would've been a year old.
As my friends had said when it first happened, time has helped me heal, but not forget. And I'm sure a million years could pass and I will still remember this day, as well the other milestones of my pregnancy.
A good friend of mine was due the same week. At the time, I hated it. Every time I saw her just reminded me of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I saw the milestones I never reached in my pregnancy.
But now, I find myself thankful.
I was blessed with another baby. A beautiful, jubilant little butterball. You can't help but smile when you look at her...her smile is so infectious. And she lets me squish and hug and cuddle her until she can't breathe. And my little girls...the little sisters... are an amazing gift I was given. Something I would never change.
AND
I get to watch my friend's baby grow. I get to remember my angel when I see her little girl. And when she celebrates her first birthday on Wednesday, I will be there. I will hold her and squeeze her like she was my own...because she will always have a special place in my heart. She will always be my sweet reminder that I did have another baby... My body did hold another little life... My life was changed.
And instead of the anger and pain I once had, I find peace, and love and hope. God had another plan for me...
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're
Gone
-N'Sync
I have a heavy heart today. I guess you could call it an un-birthday of sorts... Today is the day that my little angel baby would've been a year old.
As my friends had said when it first happened, time has helped me heal, but not forget. And I'm sure a million years could pass and I will still remember this day, as well the other milestones of my pregnancy.
A good friend of mine was due the same week. At the time, I hated it. Every time I saw her just reminded me of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I saw the milestones I never reached in my pregnancy.
But now, I find myself thankful.
I was blessed with another baby. A beautiful, jubilant little butterball. You can't help but smile when you look at her...her smile is so infectious. And she lets me squish and hug and cuddle her until she can't breathe. And my little girls...the little sisters... are an amazing gift I was given. Something I would never change.
AND
I get to watch my friend's baby grow. I get to remember my angel when I see her little girl. And when she celebrates her first birthday on Wednesday, I will be there. I will hold her and squeeze her like she was my own...because she will always have a special place in my heart. She will always be my sweet reminder that I did have another baby... My body did hold another little life... My life was changed.
And instead of the anger and pain I once had, I find peace, and love and hope. God had another plan for me...
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Aquarius
Posted in astrology, birthday, Finding me, regina spektor, Scarlett on by
Born of a sign that carries water
But in a month that brings just ice
I'm not a skillful water carrier
But I've learned to carry love
learned to carry love
-Regina Spektor
Scarlett had a sensitive morning today. I mentioned it to her teacher at daycare and she said "oh, she's aquarius right? it's all good". Kind of made me giggle... My little 'water' baby. I guess I can see that...her emotions are so fluid... here's what astrology had to say about her :: An Aquarian child will often be totally unpredictable and come up with with lots of ideas; she will also be sensitive and intuitive :: and that she is.
Suprisingly, both of my girls are true to thier 'signs'...mommy, too::
The Virgo in a nutshell-
Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something.
It kind of makes me wonder what I could learn about my friends and family if I knew more about thier signs. I can see how I could become a better friend and shoulder to lean on if I understood their thought processes.
I mean, I can't help but question it all, but is sure is interesting, right?
But in a month that brings just ice
I'm not a skillful water carrier
But I've learned to carry love
learned to carry love
-Regina Spektor
Scarlett had a sensitive morning today. I mentioned it to her teacher at daycare and she said "oh, she's aquarius right? it's all good". Kind of made me giggle... My little 'water' baby. I guess I can see that...her emotions are so fluid... here's what astrology had to say about her :: An Aquarian child will often be totally unpredictable and come up with with lots of ideas; she will also be sensitive and intuitive :: and that she is.
Suprisingly, both of my girls are true to thier 'signs'...mommy, too::
The Virgo in a nutshell-
Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something.
It kind of makes me wonder what I could learn about my friends and family if I knew more about thier signs. I can see how I could become a better friend and shoulder to lean on if I understood their thought processes.
I mean, I can't help but question it all, but is sure is interesting, right?
Innocent
Posted in Finding me, lyrics, Taylor Swift on by
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back
Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent
Did some things you can’t speak of
But tonight you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then
Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new
It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent
Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back
Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent
Did some things you can’t speak of
But tonight you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then
Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new
It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent
Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back
Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Posted in Finding me, God, u2 on by
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
-U2
My 'quarter-life crisis' continues... I find myself in a struggle to let myself just become who I am. I'm feeling a lot of resistance to change. Not only within myself, but with others, too.
It's not possible to please everyone.
I think I just need to go forward with the best intentions and put my faith in God that he will lead me in the right direction.
I need to realize that there are likely to be glitches, but they are not the end of the road, only minor setbacks.
I really need to remember my forgiveness post.
And I desperately need to surround myself with the love and support of my friends and family.
-U2
My 'quarter-life crisis' continues... I find myself in a struggle to let myself just become who I am. I'm feeling a lot of resistance to change. Not only within myself, but with others, too.
It's not possible to please everyone.
I think I just need to go forward with the best intentions and put my faith in God that he will lead me in the right direction.
I need to realize that there are likely to be glitches, but they are not the end of the road, only minor setbacks.
I really need to remember my forgiveness post.
And I desperately need to surround myself with the love and support of my friends and family.
Something in the Air
Posted in Finding me, growing up, Husband, love on by
There's something in the air tonight
Something electric the point where love ignites
The center of the heart
You never see it coming
There isn't a warning, no reason, not a sign
But you can feel it everywhere
There's something in the air
- Lila McCann
I am feeling invigorated.
I had a nice, relaxing weekend and a great chance to reconnect with my husband. I have been feeling a bit of distance between us lately and this weekend we began bridging that gap. We weren't fighting or anything, just not connecting. He works early, so has to go to sleep early and I've been up with the baby. The time we are home together is usually spent cooking, cleaning, or playing/taking care of the girls. It's easy to forget to tend to our relationship.
I am so in love with him.
I asked him yesterday if he knew 10 years ago that we would be where we are now. He said, "maybe not 2 kids yet, but I always knew I'd be with you". I love that. I will never understand how a 16 year old boy was so sure, but I'm thankful he was. And somehow he was right...10 years, a million problems, a house, 2 kids and he can still give me butterfiles. I'd say that's pretty special.
Something electric the point where love ignites
The center of the heart
You never see it coming
There isn't a warning, no reason, not a sign
But you can feel it everywhere
There's something in the air
- Lila McCann
I am feeling invigorated.
I had a nice, relaxing weekend and a great chance to reconnect with my husband. I have been feeling a bit of distance between us lately and this weekend we began bridging that gap. We weren't fighting or anything, just not connecting. He works early, so has to go to sleep early and I've been up with the baby. The time we are home together is usually spent cooking, cleaning, or playing/taking care of the girls. It's easy to forget to tend to our relationship.
I am so in love with him.
I asked him yesterday if he knew 10 years ago that we would be where we are now. He said, "maybe not 2 kids yet, but I always knew I'd be with you". I love that. I will never understand how a 16 year old boy was so sure, but I'm thankful he was. And somehow he was right...10 years, a million problems, a house, 2 kids and he can still give me butterfiles. I'd say that's pretty special.
Forgiveness
Posted in changes, Finding me on by
Something I've been chewing on for the past few days...
I tried to make a list of things that I would find 'unforgiveable' and I didn't come up with much...
Here is the conclusion I did come to... If I'm going to forgive someone(s) for something that's happened, what is the point in being upset about it at all. It's not like my reaction is going to change what's already happened. All it does is cause me stress and heartache. I'm feeling like I should skip the anger, skip the frustration and simply forgive.
It sounds so simple, I don't know how I didn't come to this before...
I'll be putting this new plan into action today. I'll keep you posted on how it goes ;)
I tried to make a list of things that I would find 'unforgiveable' and I didn't come up with much...
Here is the conclusion I did come to... If I'm going to forgive someone(s) for something that's happened, what is the point in being upset about it at all. It's not like my reaction is going to change what's already happened. All it does is cause me stress and heartache. I'm feeling like I should skip the anger, skip the frustration and simply forgive.
It sounds so simple, I don't know how I didn't come to this before...
I'll be putting this new plan into action today. I'll keep you posted on how it goes ;)
Tuesday Morning
Posted in babies, family, Husband, love, lyrics, Michelle Branch on by
Tuesday morning
In the dark
I was finding out who you are
-Michelle Branch
If there was ever a moment that I realized how wonderful my husband is, it was this... As Monday night turned into Tuesday morning, we laid in bed talking...
Me too. Weren't they just beautiful?
You really think?
I love you
We'll know...when we find our number, we'll just *know*
I don't know if we will actually have 6 kids, but I don't think that matters. I love that he sees the beauty in it. I love that he is flexible enough to open his heart to more babies...and what I love MOST is that he loves ME that much.
The final number? Only time will tell... But I have to say, it's kind of fun not knowing.
In the dark
I was finding out who you are
-Michelle Branch
If there was ever a moment that I realized how wonderful my husband is, it was this... As Monday night turned into Tuesday morning, we laid in bed talking...
I'm glad we got to meet your friend.
Me too. Weren't they just beautiful?
Yeah...maybe 6 wouldn't be bad...
You really think?
I just want you to be happy
I love you
BUT if we get to 6, that's my absolute limit!
We'll know...when we find our number, we'll just *know*
As long as it's not more than 6.
I don't know if we will actually have 6 kids, but I don't think that matters. I love that he sees the beauty in it. I love that he is flexible enough to open his heart to more babies...and what I love MOST is that he loves ME that much.
The final number? Only time will tell... But I have to say, it's kind of fun not knowing.
Quarter Life Crisis
Posted in Finding me on by
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way,
I wonder sometimes about the outcome
-John Mayer, Why Georgia
So I've begun to realize there is a change happening within me. I think it's fun to know that I'm continually changing and growing.... And I'm really excited to see where it's taking me.
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way,
I wonder sometimes about the outcome
-John Mayer, Why Georgia
So I've begun to realize there is a change happening within me. I think it's fun to know that I'm continually changing and growing.... And I'm really excited to see where it's taking me.
My Oh My
Posted in baby, family, insecurities, little girls, my mom, The Wreckers on by
Times have changed and so have I
I once was young and starry-eyed
- The Wreckers
I was talking with my mom the other day, and was suprised by one of her questions...
"So, why do you feed Liv on demand and not on a schedule like you did with Scarlett?"
The funny thing about that question is that Liv is technically on the same scheudle that Scarlett was, but it was her own doing, not mine.
But in all honesty, I didn't know how to answer her question. I immediately felt defensive, like she was questioning my parenting. In fact, I'm sure she was because it was different than how she did it and infinitely different than how her mother did it. See, that's the funny thing about first children... I feel like it took me so long to find my footing after having Scarlett that I took other people's advice like it was gold and not just an opinion. I tried so hard to 'look' like a good mom in other people's eyes, because I didn't want them to see how difficult the transition was for me. I loved and hoped for people to tell me how I was "such a natural mother" and I like to think a little bit of that is true. There are definitely nurturing, maternal things that came quickly, but I didn't trust myself or my instincts. I was so scared of doing something wrong.
I'm sure of myself now. I know I'm a good mom. I don't need the constant reassurance and I don't need to know how everyone else used to do it or would if they had another baby. Of course, I welcome opinions and advice, but I know that's all it is...opinions and advice. Mother knows best, right? I'm the mother now :) I love that feeling. I love that I know what is right for my daughters and my family. It's so empowering. I'm sure I'll still make plenty of mistakes, but that's the beauty of it.
I once was young and starry-eyed
- The Wreckers
I was talking with my mom the other day, and was suprised by one of her questions...
"So, why do you feed Liv on demand and not on a schedule like you did with Scarlett?"
The funny thing about that question is that Liv is technically on the same scheudle that Scarlett was, but it was her own doing, not mine.
But in all honesty, I didn't know how to answer her question. I immediately felt defensive, like she was questioning my parenting. In fact, I'm sure she was because it was different than how she did it and infinitely different than how her mother did it. See, that's the funny thing about first children... I feel like it took me so long to find my footing after having Scarlett that I took other people's advice like it was gold and not just an opinion. I tried so hard to 'look' like a good mom in other people's eyes, because I didn't want them to see how difficult the transition was for me. I loved and hoped for people to tell me how I was "such a natural mother" and I like to think a little bit of that is true. There are definitely nurturing, maternal things that came quickly, but I didn't trust myself or my instincts. I was so scared of doing something wrong.
I'm sure of myself now. I know I'm a good mom. I don't need the constant reassurance and I don't need to know how everyone else used to do it or would if they had another baby. Of course, I welcome opinions and advice, but I know that's all it is...opinions and advice. Mother knows best, right? I'm the mother now :) I love that feeling. I love that I know what is right for my daughters and my family. It's so empowering. I'm sure I'll still make plenty of mistakes, but that's the beauty of it.
You're Sixteen
Posted in baby, birthday, growing up, little girls, Olivia, Ringo Starr, Scarlett, sisters on by
You're all ribbons and curls, ooh, what a girl
Eyes that sparkle and shine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine
-Ringo Starr
My little peanut is 16 weeks old today. I know this song is meant for a 16 year old, but right now, 16 weeks seems so profound.
Where did the time go?
She got her first tooth in two days ago... Huge shock to me! Scarlett didn't get a tooth until she was 6 months, so 3.5 seemed far too early to even think about it. Somehow, I think this will be true to her form. I have this funny feeling Liv is going to be our child full of surprises. She's so quiet and alert. It sounds kind of funny to make assumptions about who your child will be when they're only 16 weeks, but I swear, thier personalities develop so quickly. I always knew Scarlett would be happy, silly, a big talker and wildy expressive... Olivia is already very different. My little Liv is quieter, speaking up only when she has something big to say, she is curious, but reserved and a wee bit more dependent than her big sister was. All in all, I'd call her a nice balance to Scarlett's outgoing, wild, silly nature.
It's so interesting to think about these things now. In two years, will I still feel this way? Will they be completely different? Or are these glimmers of characteristics a peek into the personalities my girls are going to develop in their adult lives? I could probably go on and on with this, so I'll stop myself here... I do think about it often though.
Livvy rolls over now, too. She's been working at it for a while, but couldn't quite get her tubby little self over. But that is another milestone she checked off this week.
Anyone know where I can get a 'pause', 'slow', and 'rewind' button? I feel like I need those right about now. I feel like each day slips into another too quickly. I don't have enough time to savor each moment, each new milestone before another comes.
For now, it's a happy 16 week birthday to my littlest and my oldest will be 2.5 years next week.
Eyes that sparkle and shine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine
-Ringo Starr
My little peanut is 16 weeks old today. I know this song is meant for a 16 year old, but right now, 16 weeks seems so profound.
Where did the time go?
She got her first tooth in two days ago... Huge shock to me! Scarlett didn't get a tooth until she was 6 months, so 3.5 seemed far too early to even think about it. Somehow, I think this will be true to her form. I have this funny feeling Liv is going to be our child full of surprises. She's so quiet and alert. It sounds kind of funny to make assumptions about who your child will be when they're only 16 weeks, but I swear, thier personalities develop so quickly. I always knew Scarlett would be happy, silly, a big talker and wildy expressive... Olivia is already very different. My little Liv is quieter, speaking up only when she has something big to say, she is curious, but reserved and a wee bit more dependent than her big sister was. All in all, I'd call her a nice balance to Scarlett's outgoing, wild, silly nature.
It's so interesting to think about these things now. In two years, will I still feel this way? Will they be completely different? Or are these glimmers of characteristics a peek into the personalities my girls are going to develop in their adult lives? I could probably go on and on with this, so I'll stop myself here... I do think about it often though.
Livvy rolls over now, too. She's been working at it for a while, but couldn't quite get her tubby little self over. But that is another milestone she checked off this week.
Anyone know where I can get a 'pause', 'slow', and 'rewind' button? I feel like I need those right about now. I feel like each day slips into another too quickly. I don't have enough time to savor each moment, each new milestone before another comes.
For now, it's a happy 16 week birthday to my littlest and my oldest will be 2.5 years next week.
Random Thoughts
Posted in Poetry on by
These are just random samplings of the workings of my mind lately. Forgive the awful awful titles...nothing seems to capture the poetry good enough, so I gave up trying to name them. Still toying with a Lady Gaga themed poem...should be interesting!
LOVESICK
A stolen kiss
Still somehow yearning for
His lingering embrace
Desperate for the feeling
Emotion
Lulled through her surrendering
It's no secret the girl is lovesick
LAUGHTER
At the edge of laughter
Uninvited
Fresh, simple, serene
So fiercely radiant
The broken thoughts distort
A quiet dreamer
LOST
Uncharted
No hope that this
Broken girl will float
Lost in the unkown
Uncertain of what
Her heart is scraming
GUILTY
Guilt floods into my mind
Crushing me entirely.
Deep into the unkown,
A sudenly empty reality.
Desperation swirls
As I long for
The promise of better days.
COCOON
His seductive whisper
Softly grazes warmth across her neck.
A wordles bond wraps
This sweet young love.
They hesistate,
Slow to kiss.
Cocooned in a perfect moment.
WINTER
Winter's muse,
A cold love,
Quickly spread into
Charming illusions.
Blurred forever though the warmth,
Surrendering to a patient spring.
LOVESICK
A stolen kiss
Still somehow yearning for
His lingering embrace
Desperate for the feeling
Emotion
Lulled through her surrendering
It's no secret the girl is lovesick
LAUGHTER
At the edge of laughter
Uninvited
Fresh, simple, serene
So fiercely radiant
The broken thoughts distort
A quiet dreamer
LOST
Uncharted
No hope that this
Broken girl will float
Lost in the unkown
Uncertain of what
Her heart is scraming
GUILTY
Guilt floods into my mind
Crushing me entirely.
Deep into the unkown,
A sudenly empty reality.
Desperation swirls
As I long for
The promise of better days.
COCOON
His seductive whisper
Softly grazes warmth across her neck.
A wordles bond wraps
This sweet young love.
They hesistate,
Slow to kiss.
Cocooned in a perfect moment.
WINTER
Winter's muse,
A cold love,
Quickly spread into
Charming illusions.
Blurred forever though the warmth,
Surrendering to a patient spring.
Find My Way Back
Posted in little girls, lyrics, Michelle Branch, Poetry on by
I used to get away with so much
Now I can't get away.
I even thought that it was simple
To say the things I wanted to say
-Michelle Branch, Find My Way Back
I find lately that I'm at a loss for words. Everything on my mind just isn't translating to sentences. I'm feeling more poetic, so I'll try and express myself that way for now.
I don't think I could tame
That beautiful free spirit.
Always on my mind.
Forever in my heart.
Perhaps it will never be tamed
And maybe it's not supposed to be.
It's all a blur,
Fleeting colors that never stop.
Life is passing me by
And I can't keep up.
I really want it all to stop,
And make these moments last.
It's just hard to believe
My baby girls are growing up so fast
Now I can't get away.
I even thought that it was simple
To say the things I wanted to say
-Michelle Branch, Find My Way Back
I find lately that I'm at a loss for words. Everything on my mind just isn't translating to sentences. I'm feeling more poetic, so I'll try and express myself that way for now.
I don't think I could tame
That beautiful free spirit.
Always on my mind.
Forever in my heart.
Perhaps it will never be tamed
And maybe it's not supposed to be.
It's all a blur,
Fleeting colors that never stop.
Life is passing me by
And I can't keep up.
I really want it all to stop,
And make these moments last.
It's just hard to believe
My baby girls are growing up so fast
Due Date
Posted in baby, birth, family, little girls, Olivia, pregnancy, sisters, Thankful on by
Today is my due date...or was anyway... My beautiful little girl had a different plan. Instead of anxiously awaiting the contractions or water breaking, I'm snuggling my 12 day old peanut.
Yes, she was 12 days early. Not very early by most standards, but my first daughter stayed snuggled in there until a week after her due date. I think I expected the same for this one.
I was caught by complete surprise. There was no way I was in labor already. There was still so much to do and more importantly, she was still breech. I needed more time... And so I refused to let myself or anyone else think I was in labor for longer than I should have.
I remember sitting at work wondering to myself if anyone could tell how uncomfortable I was. I remember the feeling of dread when I finally called the nurse and how uninterested she seemed in my contractions until I told her that my babe was breech. I remember praying for the doc to call me back quicker and praying even harder that the contractions stopped before he called. And worst of all, the tears that came when I called Adam to come get me to go to the hospital.
Don't get me wrong. I was ecstatic at the thought that I might meet my baby soon. I couldn't wait to see her sweet face. I was dying to know if she had hair. I wanted to snuggle her close and inhale that scent that only comes from a fresh new life. I relished in the thought of Scarlett seeing her sister for the first time.
But I was scared. In fact, terrified is probably a better word.
I was at the hospital the day before for an external version. It was unsuccessful. As many times as she had turned down and back again, she wouldn't budge an inch when the doc pushed. I left the hospital that day and went right back to trying all the little tricks that worked before. None of them worked, as I could still feel her head in my ribs. I wasn't overly worried yet, as I had 2 weeks before my due date. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Somewhere between my call to the doctor, and the time I got hooked up to the monitors (just over an hour), my contractions went from 8-10 minutes apart to 2-4 minutes apart.
I had the sweetest nurse I could have asked for. She was so wonderful and patient with me. She talked through my concerns with me and understood when I needed time to process the things they were telling me. I am so thankful for that. There were plenty of nurses there who were far from kind or understanding of my situation.
She called the doctor after monitoring me for a half hour (contractions 2-3 minutes apart and dilated 3 cm) and getting and ultrasound to confirm breech position. I could hear the conversation...or her side of the conversation. I imagined what he was saying, based on her responses. The last thing I remember hearing from their conversation was "c-section? OK." and I couldn't hold back the tears.
Adam held back his excitement (he'd been saying for a week how ready he was for babe to be here already). He knew it was a hard thing for me to come to. We had several conversations over the previous few weeks about c-section and the lengths I would go to in order to avoid one. So instead of grinning ear to ear, like I'm sure would've been his first instinct, he held me close and let me wallow in that sorrow until the nurse came back in a few minutes later.
She confirmed what I had heard. The doc wants to do a c-section, but he'd be in to talk with me when he arrived. Then she didn't leave my side until the doc came and left. She answered every question I could think to ask (some of it, I find out now, was more comforting answers than real ones...like the size of my incision...).
When the doc came in to talk, he explained the situation to me several times. Each time he would tell me the reasons a c-section was the best possible outcome right now, he would wait for me to agree. After a minute of silence, he started the speech again, using different words and tones. I understood completely what he was saying, but couldn't make myself give him the OK. After a quite a few minutes of talking in circles, I mustered up "alright".
Then came the whirlwind.
Over the next hour, I was prepped for the c-section. There wasn't a time in that hour that there was less than 3 nurses around me. It was so hectic. One wanted my arm for the IV, one wanted to help me understand the consent forms, another was getting medications ready for me...I felt like I barely had a moment to catch my breath. I don't think I really got a chance to let it sink in.
I did manage to get some excitement going sometime during that hour. I made calls to the people I promised and announced that our babe would be arriving. Wow. She was really coming!! As scary as the impending surgery part was, I was going to meet the little girl who I had been growing for so many months.
Walking into the surgery room was really overwhelming. It was kind of a process for me, where I had to pause every few steps or around every corner to let it soak in for a moment. For me, surgery has always been scary. No matter what it was for or how simple it was or how quickly I was suppose to recover. Just the idea of induced sleep and people working inside my body makes me tense. This time, not only are the working on me, but my unborn daughter was involved too. I think that made the stakes a lot higher in my mind and the surgery a lot scarier.
I was given the spinal while Adam watched from outside the door. I'm not good with needles... thank goodness I didn't see what they used or how it was done. It was a weird sensation though. I expected to be completely numb from the chest down, but I could feel the doctor touching me. It wasn't painful at all, just weird. It was like every time I felt a touch, I expected pain. It was kind of anxiety inducing. Time went really quickly though, and before I realized it, Olivia made her way into the world.
It seemed to take a while to get her cleaned up and over to see me, but once she was near me, nothing else mattered. I don't remember feeling the doctor anymore, I didn't hear the anesthesiologist anymore and my anxiety fell away. I'm so thankful the doctor allowed her to stay in the room with me. That was one thing I was really adamant about. I'd always heard they took the baby to another room while they closed up the incision and I couldn't bear the thought.
Recovery has been harder than I expected. There's no way to know, really, unless you've been through it I guess. It's just hard to feel that pain all the time. It's hard for me to not pick up Scarlett and hard for her to understand why I can't. I feel like this transition to having a new sister has been harder because of that. I suppose there is no way to really know though.
I know I mentioned my incision earlier...if you're wondering, the nurse said it'd be about 3 inches (the doc did too)...it's more like 5. It seems to be healing really well though, and I doubt it will leave much of a scar. Not that it is visible to anyone anyway...
Gosh, this is a lot longer than I thought it'd be. And a lot more depressing. I went back and read it a couple times. I want it to be so much happier, but right now, this is my reality. This is my truth. I think as I come to terms with how it all happened, it will be happier, but right now it is what it is. This is how I feel right this moment.
I struggle a lot right now with the complete disconnect I have with the birth. I don't feel like I was a part of it. I think once I can connect with it, come to terms with the fact that it didn't go like I planned and transition into being a mommy of two, I will feel a lot better and this story will be a lot shorter and sound a lot happier.
In the end, I have an incredible baby. Miss Olivia Johanna was born at 4:17pm on April 8th. She seems like such a peanut compared to her sister. She was just 7lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches...Scarlett was a whole pound and a whole inch bigger. She is just a sweet little baby though. I rarely hear fusses from her and if she cries, it's because you are changing her clothes or diaper. I remember Scarlett doing the same thing for a few weeks. She is a champion sleeper, too. I've been getting good sleep every night...she has given herself a schedule of sleeps and eats at night. It's amazing. My little Liv has the sweetest smiles and the warmest cuddles...and she has that fantastic baby smell. I don't think there is anything better than that smell. Not only that, but her sister adores her. I can't wait to watch them grow up together. Scarlett constantly talks about her sister and wants to hold and kiss her and tell her "I yove yooo..mo mo more!"
I suppose it doesn't really matter how she arrived. It's in the past...what matters right now is her and the rest of my family. We are all happy, we are all healthy and we are closer because of the things we've been through together.
Yes, she was 12 days early. Not very early by most standards, but my first daughter stayed snuggled in there until a week after her due date. I think I expected the same for this one.
I was caught by complete surprise. There was no way I was in labor already. There was still so much to do and more importantly, she was still breech. I needed more time... And so I refused to let myself or anyone else think I was in labor for longer than I should have.
I remember sitting at work wondering to myself if anyone could tell how uncomfortable I was. I remember the feeling of dread when I finally called the nurse and how uninterested she seemed in my contractions until I told her that my babe was breech. I remember praying for the doc to call me back quicker and praying even harder that the contractions stopped before he called. And worst of all, the tears that came when I called Adam to come get me to go to the hospital.
Don't get me wrong. I was ecstatic at the thought that I might meet my baby soon. I couldn't wait to see her sweet face. I was dying to know if she had hair. I wanted to snuggle her close and inhale that scent that only comes from a fresh new life. I relished in the thought of Scarlett seeing her sister for the first time.
But I was scared. In fact, terrified is probably a better word.
I was at the hospital the day before for an external version. It was unsuccessful. As many times as she had turned down and back again, she wouldn't budge an inch when the doc pushed. I left the hospital that day and went right back to trying all the little tricks that worked before. None of them worked, as I could still feel her head in my ribs. I wasn't overly worried yet, as I had 2 weeks before my due date. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Somewhere between my call to the doctor, and the time I got hooked up to the monitors (just over an hour), my contractions went from 8-10 minutes apart to 2-4 minutes apart.
I had the sweetest nurse I could have asked for. She was so wonderful and patient with me. She talked through my concerns with me and understood when I needed time to process the things they were telling me. I am so thankful for that. There were plenty of nurses there who were far from kind or understanding of my situation.
She called the doctor after monitoring me for a half hour (contractions 2-3 minutes apart and dilated 3 cm) and getting and ultrasound to confirm breech position. I could hear the conversation...or her side of the conversation. I imagined what he was saying, based on her responses. The last thing I remember hearing from their conversation was "c-section? OK." and I couldn't hold back the tears.
Adam held back his excitement (he'd been saying for a week how ready he was for babe to be here already). He knew it was a hard thing for me to come to. We had several conversations over the previous few weeks about c-section and the lengths I would go to in order to avoid one. So instead of grinning ear to ear, like I'm sure would've been his first instinct, he held me close and let me wallow in that sorrow until the nurse came back in a few minutes later.
She confirmed what I had heard. The doc wants to do a c-section, but he'd be in to talk with me when he arrived. Then she didn't leave my side until the doc came and left. She answered every question I could think to ask (some of it, I find out now, was more comforting answers than real ones...like the size of my incision...).
When the doc came in to talk, he explained the situation to me several times. Each time he would tell me the reasons a c-section was the best possible outcome right now, he would wait for me to agree. After a minute of silence, he started the speech again, using different words and tones. I understood completely what he was saying, but couldn't make myself give him the OK. After a quite a few minutes of talking in circles, I mustered up "alright".
Then came the whirlwind.
Over the next hour, I was prepped for the c-section. There wasn't a time in that hour that there was less than 3 nurses around me. It was so hectic. One wanted my arm for the IV, one wanted to help me understand the consent forms, another was getting medications ready for me...I felt like I barely had a moment to catch my breath. I don't think I really got a chance to let it sink in.
I did manage to get some excitement going sometime during that hour. I made calls to the people I promised and announced that our babe would be arriving. Wow. She was really coming!! As scary as the impending surgery part was, I was going to meet the little girl who I had been growing for so many months.
Walking into the surgery room was really overwhelming. It was kind of a process for me, where I had to pause every few steps or around every corner to let it soak in for a moment. For me, surgery has always been scary. No matter what it was for or how simple it was or how quickly I was suppose to recover. Just the idea of induced sleep and people working inside my body makes me tense. This time, not only are the working on me, but my unborn daughter was involved too. I think that made the stakes a lot higher in my mind and the surgery a lot scarier.
I was given the spinal while Adam watched from outside the door. I'm not good with needles... thank goodness I didn't see what they used or how it was done. It was a weird sensation though. I expected to be completely numb from the chest down, but I could feel the doctor touching me. It wasn't painful at all, just weird. It was like every time I felt a touch, I expected pain. It was kind of anxiety inducing. Time went really quickly though, and before I realized it, Olivia made her way into the world.
It seemed to take a while to get her cleaned up and over to see me, but once she was near me, nothing else mattered. I don't remember feeling the doctor anymore, I didn't hear the anesthesiologist anymore and my anxiety fell away. I'm so thankful the doctor allowed her to stay in the room with me. That was one thing I was really adamant about. I'd always heard they took the baby to another room while they closed up the incision and I couldn't bear the thought.
Recovery has been harder than I expected. There's no way to know, really, unless you've been through it I guess. It's just hard to feel that pain all the time. It's hard for me to not pick up Scarlett and hard for her to understand why I can't. I feel like this transition to having a new sister has been harder because of that. I suppose there is no way to really know though.
I know I mentioned my incision earlier...if you're wondering, the nurse said it'd be about 3 inches (the doc did too)...it's more like 5. It seems to be healing really well though, and I doubt it will leave much of a scar. Not that it is visible to anyone anyway...
Gosh, this is a lot longer than I thought it'd be. And a lot more depressing. I went back and read it a couple times. I want it to be so much happier, but right now, this is my reality. This is my truth. I think as I come to terms with how it all happened, it will be happier, but right now it is what it is. This is how I feel right this moment.
I struggle a lot right now with the complete disconnect I have with the birth. I don't feel like I was a part of it. I think once I can connect with it, come to terms with the fact that it didn't go like I planned and transition into being a mommy of two, I will feel a lot better and this story will be a lot shorter and sound a lot happier.
In the end, I have an incredible baby. Miss Olivia Johanna was born at 4:17pm on April 8th. She seems like such a peanut compared to her sister. She was just 7lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches...Scarlett was a whole pound and a whole inch bigger. She is just a sweet little baby though. I rarely hear fusses from her and if she cries, it's because you are changing her clothes or diaper. I remember Scarlett doing the same thing for a few weeks. She is a champion sleeper, too. I've been getting good sleep every night...she has given herself a schedule of sleeps and eats at night. It's amazing. My little Liv has the sweetest smiles and the warmest cuddles...and she has that fantastic baby smell. I don't think there is anything better than that smell. Not only that, but her sister adores her. I can't wait to watch them grow up together. Scarlett constantly talks about her sister and wants to hold and kiss her and tell her "I yove yooo..mo mo more!"
I suppose it doesn't really matter how she arrived. It's in the past...what matters right now is her and the rest of my family. We are all happy, we are all healthy and we are closer because of the things we've been through together.
That's Not My Name
Posted in Husband, lyrics, Scarlett, The Ting Tings, Words on by
They call me 'quiet girl'
But I'm a riot
Mary, Jo, Lisa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
-The Ting Tings
I think I've spoken before of how cute it is to hear Scarlett pronounce her words. It's fun to hear her emphasis and the syllables that she leaves out. This was never one of them. From the very first time she said 'spider', I knew what she was talking about... my husband did not. He asked her to say the word several times yesterday before he finally broke down and asked what she was saying (through his laughs, actually). I told him that she was asking to play spiders (The Itsy Bitsy Spider story we have on our phones). He laughed even harder... "it sounds like she's saying badass"... Maybe you should be the judge...
HAHA!! Yes, I agree with him that if you don't know what she's trying to say, it sounds an awful lot like badass, so that's his new favorite thing to get her to say.
Oh the goofiness in my house sometimes.
But I'm a riot
Mary, Jo, Lisa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
-The Ting Tings
I think I've spoken before of how cute it is to hear Scarlett pronounce her words. It's fun to hear her emphasis and the syllables that she leaves out. This was never one of them. From the very first time she said 'spider', I knew what she was talking about... my husband did not. He asked her to say the word several times yesterday before he finally broke down and asked what she was saying (through his laughs, actually). I told him that she was asking to play spiders (The Itsy Bitsy Spider story we have on our phones). He laughed even harder... "it sounds like she's saying badass"... Maybe you should be the judge...
HAHA!! Yes, I agree with him that if you don't know what she's trying to say, it sounds an awful lot like badass, so that's his new favorite thing to get her to say.
Oh the goofiness in my house sometimes.
Not Ready to Make Nice
Posted in Dixie Chicks, family, little girls, lyrics, Scarlett on by
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
-Dixie Chicks
Well, she's officially found it. My Achilles heel. And she now knows how to break my heart with two simple words.
It was Saturday and nearing her bedtime. She was playing with her little purse, opening and closing, adding new things and taking others out. I'm not sure what came over her, but she decided to hit me with it. I asked her not to do that, it's not nice to hit people. She turned and hit her dad. I took the purse away from her and told her that we have to be nice and since she wasn't being nice with the purse, she didn't need to play with it right now.
The tears started immediately.
I got up to use the restroom, leaving the two of them on the couch. Adam (who admits he isn't as fluent in Scarlett's language as I am) came to the door to ask me what she was saying. "It sounds like nigh nigh... is she ready for bed?". I told him I wasn't sure and I'd be out in a second.
When I came into the living room, I could see how he would think it was 'nigh nigh'. It took me a minute to realize what she was saying...
There, sitting on the couch, wiping tears from her eyes, my little girl was pleading her case.
"I nice"
Talk about hitting a nerve!! I couldn't give her that purse back quick enough... All I wanted to do for the rest of the night was hold her and tell her that she was a good girl and she *is* nice. I can't even tell you how awful I felt.
So there you have it. Two little words that can bring a grown woman to her knees... well, when said by the right little person anyway.
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
-Dixie Chicks
Well, she's officially found it. My Achilles heel. And she now knows how to break my heart with two simple words.
It was Saturday and nearing her bedtime. She was playing with her little purse, opening and closing, adding new things and taking others out. I'm not sure what came over her, but she decided to hit me with it. I asked her not to do that, it's not nice to hit people. She turned and hit her dad. I took the purse away from her and told her that we have to be nice and since she wasn't being nice with the purse, she didn't need to play with it right now.
The tears started immediately.
I got up to use the restroom, leaving the two of them on the couch. Adam (who admits he isn't as fluent in Scarlett's language as I am) came to the door to ask me what she was saying. "It sounds like nigh nigh... is she ready for bed?". I told him I wasn't sure and I'd be out in a second.
When I came into the living room, I could see how he would think it was 'nigh nigh'. It took me a minute to realize what she was saying...
There, sitting on the couch, wiping tears from her eyes, my little girl was pleading her case.
"I nice"
Talk about hitting a nerve!! I couldn't give her that purse back quick enough... All I wanted to do for the rest of the night was hold her and tell her that she was a good girl and she *is* nice. I can't even tell you how awful I felt.
So there you have it. Two little words that can bring a grown woman to her knees... well, when said by the right little person anyway.
Colors of the Wind
Posted in Disney, lyrics, Scarlett, singing on by
For whether we are white or copper skin
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth and still
All you'll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
- Disney's Pocahontas, Colors of the Wind
Thinking about my song choice for the day, it might seem kind of weird to you. It is a very special song to me, though...
We sang this for our fall concert in 7th grade. It was the very first time I had a *solo* in choir. I sang the whole first verse. It was monumental for me and I think it really was the springboard to my love of singing and music. To this day, I still remember trembling stepping up to the microphone and the slight quiver in my voice when I started. So, when I went searching for something to go along with what I wanted to post today, it seemed natural to add this song.
If I was titling this myself, it'd have been "My Too Cute Two Year Old".
I know there are loads and loads of horror stories about the 'terrible twos', but I think there is a definite lack of stores about what I will affectionately call the 'too cute twos'. This will be proof of the latter...
She opened a gift for her birthday, saw the sunglasses and didn't care about anything else. IT was a cute little outfit that matched, along with some hair bows... she didn't even look at it... all she wanted to do was put on a little show with her new glasses.
One thing that I find incredible at this age is how fast they learn. I'm nearly positive that every evening when I have conversations with Scarlett, she says a new word. I love *love* hearing her pronounce new words for the first time. It's so funny to watch her explore her noises and imitate sounds. SO, recently she began asking something very specific and I nearly fell over... It is *the* cutest (other than 'I yove you') word she says right now...
So there it is...just a little glimpse into a 'too cute twos' moment. Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of 'terrible two' moments, too, but I try not to dwell on those. She's learning about herself and boundaries and compromise and those kinds of things...It has to be hard.
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth and still
All you'll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
- Disney's Pocahontas, Colors of the Wind
Thinking about my song choice for the day, it might seem kind of weird to you. It is a very special song to me, though...
We sang this for our fall concert in 7th grade. It was the very first time I had a *solo* in choir. I sang the whole first verse. It was monumental for me and I think it really was the springboard to my love of singing and music. To this day, I still remember trembling stepping up to the microphone and the slight quiver in my voice when I started. So, when I went searching for something to go along with what I wanted to post today, it seemed natural to add this song.
If I was titling this myself, it'd have been "My Too Cute Two Year Old".
I know there are loads and loads of horror stories about the 'terrible twos', but I think there is a definite lack of stores about what I will affectionately call the 'too cute twos'. This will be proof of the latter...
She opened a gift for her birthday, saw the sunglasses and didn't care about anything else. IT was a cute little outfit that matched, along with some hair bows... she didn't even look at it... all she wanted to do was put on a little show with her new glasses.
One thing that I find incredible at this age is how fast they learn. I'm nearly positive that every evening when I have conversations with Scarlett, she says a new word. I love *love* hearing her pronounce new words for the first time. It's so funny to watch her explore her noises and imitate sounds. SO, recently she began asking something very specific and I nearly fell over... It is *the* cutest (other than 'I yove you') word she says right now...
So there it is...just a little glimpse into a 'too cute twos' moment. Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of 'terrible two' moments, too, but I try not to dwell on those. She's learning about herself and boundaries and compromise and those kinds of things...It has to be hard.
Happy Birthday to You
Posted in birthday, family, From Mommy, growing up, Scarlett on by
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear little Scarlett
Happy birthday to you!!!
Yes, this post is a few days late, but I'm kind of glad to get to write it now. I want to tell you about all the little things I remember from your birthday celebrations and all your silliness.
Your daddy and I began celebrating on Friday. We sent texts back and forth all day, remembering what we were doing at that moment 2 years ago... "this time 2 years ago, we were driving to the doctor's office" and "2 years ago right now, I was asking for an epidural". It's kind of fun to play the 'remember when' game. One day (hopefully not too long from now) I'll write out your story for you. I want to give you your birth story and I want to remember each moment and emotion that we felt the day we were blessed with you. I can't believe it's been 2 years...
I will forever remember the look on your face when you woke up and Daddy and I said "happy birthday" to you... it's your pouty/shy face... one of my favorites.
You are such an amazing, smart and kind little person. I am having so much fun watching you learn and grow and playing along with you. It's is so incredible to watch you soak in everything you see and hear...and even better to watch you use it later... like 'bippity boppity boo'...
I find myself often arguing the nature vs. nurture battle with myself. Are you naturally this girly? Were you just built that way? A natural animal lover?
You are so endlessly happy and goofy...it's hard to stay mad when you throw fits. Especially now that you've begun saying 'I love you.' Who could be mad at this face?
Daddy and I talk a lot about the progression of our lives together. Everything happened really quickly for us... you were a surprise, but a most welcome surprise. We have learned a lot about life and love and each other in the recent years and I think we owe some credit to you for that. You have really helped us find our footing in this world, as adults, as husband and wife and most of all, as parents. There isn't a day that goes by without me thanking the lord for sending me such a wonderful gift...my beautiful, happy, healthy girl.
I yove you.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear little Scarlett
Happy birthday to you!!!
Yes, this post is a few days late, but I'm kind of glad to get to write it now. I want to tell you about all the little things I remember from your birthday celebrations and all your silliness.
Your daddy and I began celebrating on Friday. We sent texts back and forth all day, remembering what we were doing at that moment 2 years ago... "this time 2 years ago, we were driving to the doctor's office" and "2 years ago right now, I was asking for an epidural". It's kind of fun to play the 'remember when' game. One day (hopefully not too long from now) I'll write out your story for you. I want to give you your birth story and I want to remember each moment and emotion that we felt the day we were blessed with you. I can't believe it's been 2 years...
I will forever remember the look on your face when you woke up and Daddy and I said "happy birthday" to you... it's your pouty/shy face... one of my favorites.
You are such an amazing, smart and kind little person. I am having so much fun watching you learn and grow and playing along with you. It's is so incredible to watch you soak in everything you see and hear...and even better to watch you use it later... like 'bippity boppity boo'...
I find myself often arguing the nature vs. nurture battle with myself. Are you naturally this girly? Were you just built that way? A natural animal lover?
You are so endlessly happy and goofy...it's hard to stay mad when you throw fits. Especially now that you've begun saying 'I love you.' Who could be mad at this face?
Daddy and I talk a lot about the progression of our lives together. Everything happened really quickly for us... you were a surprise, but a most welcome surprise. We have learned a lot about life and love and each other in the recent years and I think we owe some credit to you for that. You have really helped us find our footing in this world, as adults, as husband and wife and most of all, as parents. There isn't a day that goes by without me thanking the lord for sending me such a wonderful gift...my beautiful, happy, healthy girl.
I yove you.
In my own words.
Posted in Poetry on by
A soft slumber awakened
By his unintentional sigh
On my shoulder.
I snuggle in closer
As if it's possible to melt
Into each other,
And I breathe deeply
Feeling his love,
Like his arms,
Draping over me completely.
One daughter stirs,
Mumbling in her sleep,
And her sister moves too,
Not to be forgotten.
Never a more perfect, peaceful moment.
By his unintentional sigh
On my shoulder.
I snuggle in closer
As if it's possible to melt
Into each other,
And I breathe deeply
Feeling his love,
Like his arms,
Draping over me completely.
One daughter stirs,
Mumbling in her sleep,
And her sister moves too,
Not to be forgotten.
Never a more perfect, peaceful moment.
Your Body is a Wonderland
Posted in baby, Husband, insecurities, loss, love, miscarriage, pregnancy, Thankful on by
Your body is a wonderland
-John Mayer
It's funny to me how a few years, some great friends and life lessons can change your perspective on things... not to mention a sweet whisper from an amazing hubby...
When I was pregnant with Scarlett, I remember being so self-conscious about my changing body. I shied away from others touching my belly, I checked the mirror every day for stretch marks, spent loads of money on creams and oils that never worked, and hid myself under baggy maternity clothes and jackets. I wasn't ashamed of being pregnant, I just couldn't get myself to embrace my body. I think some of it was because I had just spent a year and a half losing weight and my husband wasn't as affectionate as he had been before.
So, here I am nearly 3 year later, loving my belly. Want to see it?
Ok...so what changed?
First (and I think most importantly) my darling husband caught me looking at myself in the mirror (NO, I wasn't looking for stretch marks...I have so many, what would one more be?!). He came up behind me, leaned in close and whispered 'you look so sexy'. My response? LAUGHTER! He said 'Seriously... you look gorgeous.' It sparked a conversation about his lack of affection. I found out that he felt guilty about all the problems I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Scarlett and it carried over. This time it was amplified because of the loss we had last year. It's nice to know that I'm not a total cow in my husband's eyes and definitely boosted my confidence about my big, beautiful body ;)
Speaking of, our loss had a huge impact on me...naturally, right? I think I may have taken it all a bit for granted with Scarlett. I never really stopped to think of the wonder and miracle that babies are. I never fully grasped how incredible my body is to be able to give life. This time, I get it. I may gain 100 lbs or 5 lbs, but each pound has a purpose. My body is changing and growing to nourish the tiny one inside me. I am her home, her whole life and I will give anything to keep her and help her.
I also have some pretty amazing friends. They are always there to remind me of those things I forget. They are always lifting me up when I'm down. Most importantly, they are always supportive. I'm really lucky to have them. On days when I feel blue, I can count on them to remind me of my blessings. Even on good days, I find lessons in thier words, wisdom in thier actions and love in thier hearts that doesn't compare. They each inspire me in thier own ways to be a better woman, a better wife and a better mother.
Now, I'm at pregnancy number three and FINALLY embracing the experience. I'm not saying I don't complain, because I sure do sometimes, but I really try to cherish every moment, every movement of this little one and every ache and pain. Because really, it *is* a miracle. New life is incredible and being able to experience it is even more amazing.
And besides, my hubby thinks I'm sexy...
-John Mayer
It's funny to me how a few years, some great friends and life lessons can change your perspective on things... not to mention a sweet whisper from an amazing hubby...
When I was pregnant with Scarlett, I remember being so self-conscious about my changing body. I shied away from others touching my belly, I checked the mirror every day for stretch marks, spent loads of money on creams and oils that never worked, and hid myself under baggy maternity clothes and jackets. I wasn't ashamed of being pregnant, I just couldn't get myself to embrace my body. I think some of it was because I had just spent a year and a half losing weight and my husband wasn't as affectionate as he had been before.
So, here I am nearly 3 year later, loving my belly. Want to see it?
Ok...so what changed?
First (and I think most importantly) my darling husband caught me looking at myself in the mirror (NO, I wasn't looking for stretch marks...I have so many, what would one more be?!). He came up behind me, leaned in close and whispered 'you look so sexy'. My response? LAUGHTER! He said 'Seriously... you look gorgeous.' It sparked a conversation about his lack of affection. I found out that he felt guilty about all the problems I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Scarlett and it carried over. This time it was amplified because of the loss we had last year. It's nice to know that I'm not a total cow in my husband's eyes and definitely boosted my confidence about my big, beautiful body ;)
Speaking of, our loss had a huge impact on me...naturally, right? I think I may have taken it all a bit for granted with Scarlett. I never really stopped to think of the wonder and miracle that babies are. I never fully grasped how incredible my body is to be able to give life. This time, I get it. I may gain 100 lbs or 5 lbs, but each pound has a purpose. My body is changing and growing to nourish the tiny one inside me. I am her home, her whole life and I will give anything to keep her and help her.
I also have some pretty amazing friends. They are always there to remind me of those things I forget. They are always lifting me up when I'm down. Most importantly, they are always supportive. I'm really lucky to have them. On days when I feel blue, I can count on them to remind me of my blessings. Even on good days, I find lessons in thier words, wisdom in thier actions and love in thier hearts that doesn't compare. They each inspire me in thier own ways to be a better woman, a better wife and a better mother.
Now, I'm at pregnancy number three and FINALLY embracing the experience. I'm not saying I don't complain, because I sure do sometimes, but I really try to cherish every moment, every movement of this little one and every ache and pain. Because really, it *is* a miracle. New life is incredible and being able to experience it is even more amazing.
And besides, my hubby thinks I'm sexy...
Hey, Soul Sister
Posted in Husband, love, lyrics, Train on by
He made me cry last night... the good kind of cry.
He came home very excited to have me listen to a new song he heard. "It reminds me SO much of you. I could've written it...well, except the part about Mr. Mister, because I've never heard you listen to them"
Just that he thought of me made my eyes well up with tears, then the song started. It's not even a sappy love song... more goofy and off the wall, upbeat kind of song. I couldn't help the tears that came. I'm so lucky to have him.
Youre the only one Im dreaming of, you see
I can be myself now finally
In fact theres nothing I cant be
I want the world to see youll be with me
-Train, Hey Soul Sister
He came home very excited to have me listen to a new song he heard. "It reminds me SO much of you. I could've written it...well, except the part about Mr. Mister, because I've never heard you listen to them"
Just that he thought of me made my eyes well up with tears, then the song started. It's not even a sappy love song... more goofy and off the wall, upbeat kind of song. I couldn't help the tears that came. I'm so lucky to have him.
Youre the only one Im dreaming of, you see
I can be myself now finally
In fact theres nothing I cant be
I want the world to see youll be with me
-Train, Hey Soul Sister
I've Learned My Lessons
Posted in family, little girls, lyrics, Mr.Big, Scarlett on by
I've learned my lesson
Been down that road before
I've learned my lesson
And the message is you'll never fly
'Til you learn how to fall
-Mr. Big, I've Learned My Lessons
I'm sure it's not the first time this has happened to someone, but it will certainly be the last time it happens to me! I mean, honestly, how dare I question my darling daughter's words???
Last night, Scarlett and I went to my cousin's house for dinner. After she had finished eating, I asked if she needed to go potty and she did. We went to the bathroom and she sat up on the toilet and peed. CELEBRATION!
(She's been doing really well with peeing in the potty. I'm so excited about how quickly she's figuring it all out.)
Anyway... She didn't want to put the pull up on when she was done and I (in my lazy, pregnant state) didn't want to chase her around the house. I sat on a chair and asked her to come put her 'big girl pants' on. She ran around like a mad woman for a few minutes and I mentioned to my cousin how "I'd be worried about her not having underpants on if she hadn't just gone potty." I sure ate those words. Scarlett said potty as she ran by the bathroom and I told her we'd just gone and she needed to put her big girl pants on. Another lap around the kitchen and dining room and she stood in the hall in front of the bathroom. I was distracted by something, turned my head and when I looked back, I was horrified!
Still standing in the hall, she had poo'd on the floor.
Oh. my. gosh.
I can't even remember all the things that went though my head at that moment, but I'm sure it was something like this: Did she really just do that? Why didn't I take her potty when she said it again? I hope this cleans up easily. I'm so embarassed. What a stinker...literally! She's really smart about potty, I guess. Why didn't I just grab her and put the pull up on? Oh my gosh. I can't believe this is really happening.
Thank goodness my cousin laughed it off. She has 4 kids of her own, so she knows how things can be. I'm still in complete shock about it all.
I guess the moral of this story is that you should never doubt a 2 year old. LOL!
Been down that road before
I've learned my lesson
And the message is you'll never fly
'Til you learn how to fall
-Mr. Big, I've Learned My Lessons
I'm sure it's not the first time this has happened to someone, but it will certainly be the last time it happens to me! I mean, honestly, how dare I question my darling daughter's words???
Last night, Scarlett and I went to my cousin's house for dinner. After she had finished eating, I asked if she needed to go potty and she did. We went to the bathroom and she sat up on the toilet and peed. CELEBRATION!
(She's been doing really well with peeing in the potty. I'm so excited about how quickly she's figuring it all out.)
Anyway... She didn't want to put the pull up on when she was done and I (in my lazy, pregnant state) didn't want to chase her around the house. I sat on a chair and asked her to come put her 'big girl pants' on. She ran around like a mad woman for a few minutes and I mentioned to my cousin how "I'd be worried about her not having underpants on if she hadn't just gone potty." I sure ate those words. Scarlett said potty as she ran by the bathroom and I told her we'd just gone and she needed to put her big girl pants on. Another lap around the kitchen and dining room and she stood in the hall in front of the bathroom. I was distracted by something, turned my head and when I looked back, I was horrified!
Still standing in the hall, she had poo'd on the floor.
Oh. my. gosh.
I can't even remember all the things that went though my head at that moment, but I'm sure it was something like this: Did she really just do that? Why didn't I take her potty when she said it again? I hope this cleans up easily. I'm so embarassed. What a stinker...literally! She's really smart about potty, I guess. Why didn't I just grab her and put the pull up on? Oh my gosh. I can't believe this is really happening.
Thank goodness my cousin laughed it off. She has 4 kids of her own, so she knows how things can be. I'm still in complete shock about it all.
I guess the moral of this story is that you should never doubt a 2 year old. LOL!
Helpless When She Smiles
Posted in baby, Backstreet Boys, family, little girls, lyrics, pregnancy, sisters on by
She'll dance away just like a child,
She drives me crazy, drives me wild,
But I'm helpless when she smiles.
-Backstreet Boys, Helpless When She Smiles
I think the takeover has become official. I'm no longer in control at my house, it's now under the rule of a 34 inch, 24 lb toddler who thinks she knows everything.
Is it bad that I find her completely hilarious?! I mean, as long as there isn't a fit, or screaming/crying involved, I think she is just funny.
Example 1: Saturday she talked back to her dad... I had to hide my face in a blanket so she wouldn't see me laughing until I cried! There was a dog food commercial on with an English Bulldog. Adam got excited (his favorite kind of dog) and showed Scarlett the puppy. Moments later, the screen flashed to 3 poodles (dogs that Adam can't stand, for whatever reason) and Scarlett got *really* excited. She was bouncing up and down saying 'puppen' over and over again. Adam told her no way, no poodles and that little girl wagged her finger at him and mumbled some kind of response back to him. This went back and forth between them for a few minutes, until Adam finally said "no poodles" and Scarlett said "fine!". Funny now? Totally! In a few years? Definitely not. I feel like I should be doing things to correct this, but it's kind of hard when I can't even catch my breath between the belly shaking laughs.
Example 2: 'NO' was her word of the day yesterday. I hate that it's so cute when she says it. She purses her lips out really far with the oooo sound of the word and continues about her business as if nothing happened. Ready for a nap? Nooooo. Want to have dinner? Nooooo. Let's go bye-bye... Nooooo. It's bath time! Nooooo. And my personal favorite... Do you need to go potty? Nooooo. Which is quickly followed by her running to the bathroom. Sometimes I think she just likes the word NO.
Right here is where I started considering putting a disclaimer up at the top of this post: I'm not really as bad of a mom as this makes me sound! LOL!!!!
Example 3: After her bath last night, she was really really tired. She had decided not to nap during the day (despite my best efforts) and was really hitting the end of her rope. Boy, let me tell you, she is CRAZY when she is that tired. Not the bad kind, the fall over laughing because she is so silly kind. I definitely get the bad mommy award for last night... I ended up letting her stay up another hour and half after her bath. I was having far too much fun playing with her, watching her laugh at herself and just enjoying the wonderful time together. It's not often that I have these great times where she doesn't act like the 'terrible twos' are taking over my little angel. I wanted to soak up every second of it. And when she started winding down, I took her to bed and she didn't make a peep. It was a great evening. A wonderful reminder that while she still has those horrid fits, my funny little girl is still in there. :)
*Sigh*
I think I'm becoming soft. I find myself starting to worry that Scarlett won't adjust to her new sister as easily as I'd like to imagine. I'm scared she's going to have big issues and I feel really bad. I think I'm trying to make things as easy as possible between her and I in this next few months that we have as *just* her and I. Probably not the best idea, but I suppose I'll deal with the consequences as they come. Soon she'll have to share me.
She drives me crazy, drives me wild,
But I'm helpless when she smiles.
-Backstreet Boys, Helpless When She Smiles
I think the takeover has become official. I'm no longer in control at my house, it's now under the rule of a 34 inch, 24 lb toddler who thinks she knows everything.
Is it bad that I find her completely hilarious?! I mean, as long as there isn't a fit, or screaming/crying involved, I think she is just funny.
Example 1: Saturday she talked back to her dad... I had to hide my face in a blanket so she wouldn't see me laughing until I cried! There was a dog food commercial on with an English Bulldog. Adam got excited (his favorite kind of dog) and showed Scarlett the puppy. Moments later, the screen flashed to 3 poodles (dogs that Adam can't stand, for whatever reason) and Scarlett got *really* excited. She was bouncing up and down saying 'puppen' over and over again. Adam told her no way, no poodles and that little girl wagged her finger at him and mumbled some kind of response back to him. This went back and forth between them for a few minutes, until Adam finally said "no poodles" and Scarlett said "fine!". Funny now? Totally! In a few years? Definitely not. I feel like I should be doing things to correct this, but it's kind of hard when I can't even catch my breath between the belly shaking laughs.
Example 2: 'NO' was her word of the day yesterday. I hate that it's so cute when she says it. She purses her lips out really far with the oooo sound of the word and continues about her business as if nothing happened. Ready for a nap? Nooooo. Want to have dinner? Nooooo. Let's go bye-bye... Nooooo. It's bath time! Nooooo. And my personal favorite... Do you need to go potty? Nooooo. Which is quickly followed by her running to the bathroom. Sometimes I think she just likes the word NO.
Right here is where I started considering putting a disclaimer up at the top of this post: I'm not really as bad of a mom as this makes me sound! LOL!!!!
Example 3: After her bath last night, she was really really tired. She had decided not to nap during the day (despite my best efforts) and was really hitting the end of her rope. Boy, let me tell you, she is CRAZY when she is that tired. Not the bad kind, the fall over laughing because she is so silly kind. I definitely get the bad mommy award for last night... I ended up letting her stay up another hour and half after her bath. I was having far too much fun playing with her, watching her laugh at herself and just enjoying the wonderful time together. It's not often that I have these great times where she doesn't act like the 'terrible twos' are taking over my little angel. I wanted to soak up every second of it. And when she started winding down, I took her to bed and she didn't make a peep. It was a great evening. A wonderful reminder that while she still has those horrid fits, my funny little girl is still in there. :)
*Sigh*
I think I'm becoming soft. I find myself starting to worry that Scarlett won't adjust to her new sister as easily as I'd like to imagine. I'm scared she's going to have big issues and I feel really bad. I think I'm trying to make things as easy as possible between her and I in this next few months that we have as *just* her and I. Probably not the best idea, but I suppose I'll deal with the consequences as they come. Soon she'll have to share me.
Happy
Posted in Husband, love, lyrics, Natasha Beddingfield, Thankful on by
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy
-Natasha Beddingfield, Happy
The mood has passed. That little grey cloud that I felt hung on me yesterday has dissipated, with much thanks to my Happy Pill. Sounds like an ad for some anti-depression meds... I have my own form of that, I guess.
I have an amazing husband, who always seems to know what I need before I need it.
Ever since Thanksgiving, my sisters-in-law quizzed me daily about what I wanted for Christmas. It took me a few weeks to think of things, but when I decided, i was really excited. I wanted bath goodies from Lush, my favorite bath goody store. Then a few weeks later, they told me they went to the store and left empty handed because they didn't like the smell. BUMMER! I was disappointed.
Fast forward to Christmas morning (and if kids are reading, stop here...). We opened presents and passed out stockings. I looked in my stocking to see that my wonderful husband drove over a half hour before work one day so that he could fill my stocking with LUSH bath balls, melts and bubble bars. He's so sweet. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm so glad I did.
And then we come to last night... After I put the little one to bed, I thought about how nice a warm bath sounded. I pulled out my bag of goodies so I could find one to put in the tub with me. THIS is what I found... a happy pill. I couldn't help but smile when reading about it. I love that he picked that one out. I like to think he imagined my face and my thoughts when I opened it and read the 'purpose' of this bomb. It makes me laugh when I imagine his thought process in choosing this... 1) wife is crabby. 2) she wants a bath. 3) drop in Happy Pill. 4) Play video games while she bathes. 5) She comes out smiling.
It worked like a charm. Incredible bath, and I did come out smiling.
I'm so glad he's mine.
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy
-Natasha Beddingfield, Happy
The mood has passed. That little grey cloud that I felt hung on me yesterday has dissipated, with much thanks to my Happy Pill. Sounds like an ad for some anti-depression meds... I have my own form of that, I guess.
I have an amazing husband, who always seems to know what I need before I need it.
Ever since Thanksgiving, my sisters-in-law quizzed me daily about what I wanted for Christmas. It took me a few weeks to think of things, but when I decided, i was really excited. I wanted bath goodies from Lush, my favorite bath goody store. Then a few weeks later, they told me they went to the store and left empty handed because they didn't like the smell. BUMMER! I was disappointed.
Fast forward to Christmas morning (and if kids are reading, stop here...). We opened presents and passed out stockings. I looked in my stocking to see that my wonderful husband drove over a half hour before work one day so that he could fill my stocking with LUSH bath balls, melts and bubble bars. He's so sweet. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm so glad I did.
And then we come to last night... After I put the little one to bed, I thought about how nice a warm bath sounded. I pulled out my bag of goodies so I could find one to put in the tub with me. THIS is what I found... a happy pill. I couldn't help but smile when reading about it. I love that he picked that one out. I like to think he imagined my face and my thoughts when I opened it and read the 'purpose' of this bomb. It makes me laugh when I imagine his thought process in choosing this... 1) wife is crabby. 2) she wants a bath. 3) drop in Happy Pill. 4) Play video games while she bathes. 5) She comes out smiling.
It worked like a charm. Incredible bath, and I did come out smiling.
I'm so glad he's mine.
Stand Still, Look Pretty
Posted in complaint, family, frustrations, growing up, insecurities, lyrics, my mom, The Wreckers, vent on by
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).
It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...
The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.
I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.
My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?
My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.
My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.
Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...
I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.
I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.
HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.
Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.
Let's just blame it on the rain, k?
And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.
Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.
I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.
Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.
A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.
Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).
It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...
The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.
I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.
My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?
My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.
My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.
Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...
I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.
I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.
HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.
Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.
Let's just blame it on the rain, k?
And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.
Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.
I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.
Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.
A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.
Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.
Stay or Leave
Posted in Dave Matthews Band, Husband, love, lyrics, Stay or Leave on by
1 am rolled around and he was fighting his sleep. Fighting hard, for me.
Part of it is because I'm such a night owl. I could easily stay up until 3 am before passing out. I try and try to sleep earlier (it's not easy to get out of bed for work when I stay up so late) but I just end up staring at the ceiling listening to my hubby mumble and snore in his sleep.
The other part is that it was our last night home together and I didn't want it to end. His vacation is over. It seemed too short, but I'm trying hard to be thankful for the time we did have. I made him stay up until he just physically couldn't do it anymore. I made him talk to me and rub my back and even (gasp) cuddle! Haha! I have to say it like that because I can't cuddle when I go to sleep. I need some space...breathing room, especially with my ever expanding belly.
Sounds silly to even make a big deal of...
He comes home every night. I should be grateful for that. Some days it just seems so hard. Today is one of them. I'll see him at 11 pm and he'll be ready for bed by midnight. I guess that's ok. I should appreciate more that I have that hour with him... I'm just selfish. I want more. I want him all to myself, all the time. Silly me.
p.s. Sorry, I just couldn't pick one part of the song... I just love the whole thing.
May be different but remember
Winters warm there you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes...
The river swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I
With muddy toes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
or that I coulda done
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went
So what to do with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I could?
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
-Dave Matthews Band, Stay or Leave
Part of it is because I'm such a night owl. I could easily stay up until 3 am before passing out. I try and try to sleep earlier (it's not easy to get out of bed for work when I stay up so late) but I just end up staring at the ceiling listening to my hubby mumble and snore in his sleep.
The other part is that it was our last night home together and I didn't want it to end. His vacation is over. It seemed too short, but I'm trying hard to be thankful for the time we did have. I made him stay up until he just physically couldn't do it anymore. I made him talk to me and rub my back and even (gasp) cuddle! Haha! I have to say it like that because I can't cuddle when I go to sleep. I need some space...breathing room, especially with my ever expanding belly.
Sounds silly to even make a big deal of...
He comes home every night. I should be grateful for that. Some days it just seems so hard. Today is one of them. I'll see him at 11 pm and he'll be ready for bed by midnight. I guess that's ok. I should appreciate more that I have that hour with him... I'm just selfish. I want more. I want him all to myself, all the time. Silly me.
p.s. Sorry, I just couldn't pick one part of the song... I just love the whole thing.
May be different but remember
Winters warm there you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes...
The river swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I
With muddy toes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
or that I coulda done
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went
So what to do with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I could?
Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
-Dave Matthews Band, Stay or Leave
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