Oh blog... I always remember to come in my biggest time of need. I should be making regular deposits here and not letting it all build up inside of me. I sure have a lot on my mind these days...
I'm kind of in a pickle lately. On top of moving and getting all things for that ready, I find myself struggling to prove myself to people...or rather a certain person. It's silly. The people that see it, already know and the people who don't know, just don't seem to care.
I guess it goes back to my previous post. All I really want is to be loved, approved of and appreciated... It's going to be hard to let that one go, but it is so very important for me right now.
So I guess I need to ask for prayers. Please pray for me to find my way and to learn to give things to God. Please pray that I find the ability to just let go sometimes...and know the difference between the things I should let go and the ones that I should hold on to for dear life.
Amazing how a little bit of writing can change my day. I feel lighter already.
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Love, Lust and Faking It
Posted in Finding me, growing up on by
God spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen
-Byron Katie --from Jenny McCarthy's book:: Love, Lust and Faking It
This quote is something I haven't been able to get off my mind since I read it... the funny thing is that I started this post in November. I just can't seem to put into words how this makes me feel. I know it's has struck a chord deep in my mind. I ponder it nearly every day.
I think when it comes right down to it, I want to be spared.
It is my desire for love, approval and appreciation that cause most of my heartache. I'm too sensitive... Especially to how others percieve me.
On the other hand, is that what drives us? Love, approval and/or appreciation. Do we become better people as a result of desiring those things from others?
I chip away at it every day. My understanding of myself and my needs from others is continually evolving. I admit that I'm still finding my way to God and I know the closer I get there, the easier the rest will get. It's all just a part of my journey.
-Byron Katie --from Jenny McCarthy's book:: Love, Lust and Faking It
This quote is something I haven't been able to get off my mind since I read it... the funny thing is that I started this post in November. I just can't seem to put into words how this makes me feel. I know it's has struck a chord deep in my mind. I ponder it nearly every day.
I think when it comes right down to it, I want to be spared.
It is my desire for love, approval and appreciation that cause most of my heartache. I'm too sensitive... Especially to how others percieve me.
On the other hand, is that what drives us? Love, approval and/or appreciation. Do we become better people as a result of desiring those things from others?
I chip away at it every day. My understanding of myself and my needs from others is continually evolving. I admit that I'm still finding my way to God and I know the closer I get there, the easier the rest will get. It's all just a part of my journey.
Something in the Air
Posted in Finding me, growing up, Husband, love on by
There's something in the air tonight
Something electric the point where love ignites
The center of the heart
You never see it coming
There isn't a warning, no reason, not a sign
But you can feel it everywhere
There's something in the air
- Lila McCann
I am feeling invigorated.
I had a nice, relaxing weekend and a great chance to reconnect with my husband. I have been feeling a bit of distance between us lately and this weekend we began bridging that gap. We weren't fighting or anything, just not connecting. He works early, so has to go to sleep early and I've been up with the baby. The time we are home together is usually spent cooking, cleaning, or playing/taking care of the girls. It's easy to forget to tend to our relationship.
I am so in love with him.
I asked him yesterday if he knew 10 years ago that we would be where we are now. He said, "maybe not 2 kids yet, but I always knew I'd be with you". I love that. I will never understand how a 16 year old boy was so sure, but I'm thankful he was. And somehow he was right...10 years, a million problems, a house, 2 kids and he can still give me butterfiles. I'd say that's pretty special.
Something electric the point where love ignites
The center of the heart
You never see it coming
There isn't a warning, no reason, not a sign
But you can feel it everywhere
There's something in the air
- Lila McCann
I am feeling invigorated.
I had a nice, relaxing weekend and a great chance to reconnect with my husband. I have been feeling a bit of distance between us lately and this weekend we began bridging that gap. We weren't fighting or anything, just not connecting. He works early, so has to go to sleep early and I've been up with the baby. The time we are home together is usually spent cooking, cleaning, or playing/taking care of the girls. It's easy to forget to tend to our relationship.
I am so in love with him.
I asked him yesterday if he knew 10 years ago that we would be where we are now. He said, "maybe not 2 kids yet, but I always knew I'd be with you". I love that. I will never understand how a 16 year old boy was so sure, but I'm thankful he was. And somehow he was right...10 years, a million problems, a house, 2 kids and he can still give me butterfiles. I'd say that's pretty special.
You're Sixteen
Posted in baby, birthday, growing up, little girls, Olivia, Ringo Starr, Scarlett, sisters on by
You're all ribbons and curls, ooh, what a girl
Eyes that sparkle and shine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine
-Ringo Starr
My little peanut is 16 weeks old today. I know this song is meant for a 16 year old, but right now, 16 weeks seems so profound.
Where did the time go?
She got her first tooth in two days ago... Huge shock to me! Scarlett didn't get a tooth until she was 6 months, so 3.5 seemed far too early to even think about it. Somehow, I think this will be true to her form. I have this funny feeling Liv is going to be our child full of surprises. She's so quiet and alert. It sounds kind of funny to make assumptions about who your child will be when they're only 16 weeks, but I swear, thier personalities develop so quickly. I always knew Scarlett would be happy, silly, a big talker and wildy expressive... Olivia is already very different. My little Liv is quieter, speaking up only when she has something big to say, she is curious, but reserved and a wee bit more dependent than her big sister was. All in all, I'd call her a nice balance to Scarlett's outgoing, wild, silly nature.
It's so interesting to think about these things now. In two years, will I still feel this way? Will they be completely different? Or are these glimmers of characteristics a peek into the personalities my girls are going to develop in their adult lives? I could probably go on and on with this, so I'll stop myself here... I do think about it often though.
Livvy rolls over now, too. She's been working at it for a while, but couldn't quite get her tubby little self over. But that is another milestone she checked off this week.
Anyone know where I can get a 'pause', 'slow', and 'rewind' button? I feel like I need those right about now. I feel like each day slips into another too quickly. I don't have enough time to savor each moment, each new milestone before another comes.
For now, it's a happy 16 week birthday to my littlest and my oldest will be 2.5 years next week.
Eyes that sparkle and shine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine
-Ringo Starr
My little peanut is 16 weeks old today. I know this song is meant for a 16 year old, but right now, 16 weeks seems so profound.
Where did the time go?
She got her first tooth in two days ago... Huge shock to me! Scarlett didn't get a tooth until she was 6 months, so 3.5 seemed far too early to even think about it. Somehow, I think this will be true to her form. I have this funny feeling Liv is going to be our child full of surprises. She's so quiet and alert. It sounds kind of funny to make assumptions about who your child will be when they're only 16 weeks, but I swear, thier personalities develop so quickly. I always knew Scarlett would be happy, silly, a big talker and wildy expressive... Olivia is already very different. My little Liv is quieter, speaking up only when she has something big to say, she is curious, but reserved and a wee bit more dependent than her big sister was. All in all, I'd call her a nice balance to Scarlett's outgoing, wild, silly nature.
It's so interesting to think about these things now. In two years, will I still feel this way? Will they be completely different? Or are these glimmers of characteristics a peek into the personalities my girls are going to develop in their adult lives? I could probably go on and on with this, so I'll stop myself here... I do think about it often though.
Livvy rolls over now, too. She's been working at it for a while, but couldn't quite get her tubby little self over. But that is another milestone she checked off this week.
Anyone know where I can get a 'pause', 'slow', and 'rewind' button? I feel like I need those right about now. I feel like each day slips into another too quickly. I don't have enough time to savor each moment, each new milestone before another comes.
For now, it's a happy 16 week birthday to my littlest and my oldest will be 2.5 years next week.
Happy Birthday to You
Posted in birthday, family, From Mommy, growing up, Scarlett on by
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear little Scarlett
Happy birthday to you!!!
Yes, this post is a few days late, but I'm kind of glad to get to write it now. I want to tell you about all the little things I remember from your birthday celebrations and all your silliness.
Your daddy and I began celebrating on Friday. We sent texts back and forth all day, remembering what we were doing at that moment 2 years ago... "this time 2 years ago, we were driving to the doctor's office" and "2 years ago right now, I was asking for an epidural". It's kind of fun to play the 'remember when' game. One day (hopefully not too long from now) I'll write out your story for you. I want to give you your birth story and I want to remember each moment and emotion that we felt the day we were blessed with you. I can't believe it's been 2 years...
I will forever remember the look on your face when you woke up and Daddy and I said "happy birthday" to you... it's your pouty/shy face... one of my favorites.
You are such an amazing, smart and kind little person. I am having so much fun watching you learn and grow and playing along with you. It's is so incredible to watch you soak in everything you see and hear...and even better to watch you use it later... like 'bippity boppity boo'...
I find myself often arguing the nature vs. nurture battle with myself. Are you naturally this girly? Were you just built that way? A natural animal lover?
You are so endlessly happy and goofy...it's hard to stay mad when you throw fits. Especially now that you've begun saying 'I love you.' Who could be mad at this face?
Daddy and I talk a lot about the progression of our lives together. Everything happened really quickly for us... you were a surprise, but a most welcome surprise. We have learned a lot about life and love and each other in the recent years and I think we owe some credit to you for that. You have really helped us find our footing in this world, as adults, as husband and wife and most of all, as parents. There isn't a day that goes by without me thanking the lord for sending me such a wonderful gift...my beautiful, happy, healthy girl.
I yove you.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear little Scarlett
Happy birthday to you!!!
Yes, this post is a few days late, but I'm kind of glad to get to write it now. I want to tell you about all the little things I remember from your birthday celebrations and all your silliness.
Your daddy and I began celebrating on Friday. We sent texts back and forth all day, remembering what we were doing at that moment 2 years ago... "this time 2 years ago, we were driving to the doctor's office" and "2 years ago right now, I was asking for an epidural". It's kind of fun to play the 'remember when' game. One day (hopefully not too long from now) I'll write out your story for you. I want to give you your birth story and I want to remember each moment and emotion that we felt the day we were blessed with you. I can't believe it's been 2 years...
I will forever remember the look on your face when you woke up and Daddy and I said "happy birthday" to you... it's your pouty/shy face... one of my favorites.
You are such an amazing, smart and kind little person. I am having so much fun watching you learn and grow and playing along with you. It's is so incredible to watch you soak in everything you see and hear...and even better to watch you use it later... like 'bippity boppity boo'...
I find myself often arguing the nature vs. nurture battle with myself. Are you naturally this girly? Were you just built that way? A natural animal lover?
You are so endlessly happy and goofy...it's hard to stay mad when you throw fits. Especially now that you've begun saying 'I love you.' Who could be mad at this face?
Daddy and I talk a lot about the progression of our lives together. Everything happened really quickly for us... you were a surprise, but a most welcome surprise. We have learned a lot about life and love and each other in the recent years and I think we owe some credit to you for that. You have really helped us find our footing in this world, as adults, as husband and wife and most of all, as parents. There isn't a day that goes by without me thanking the lord for sending me such a wonderful gift...my beautiful, happy, healthy girl.
I yove you.
Stand Still, Look Pretty
Posted in complaint, family, frustrations, growing up, insecurities, lyrics, my mom, The Wreckers, vent on by
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).
It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...
The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.
I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.
My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?
My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.
My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.
Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...
I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.
I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.
HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.
Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.
Let's just blame it on the rain, k?
And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.
Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.
I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.
Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.
A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.
Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).
It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...
The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.
I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.
My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?
My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.
My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.
Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...
I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.
I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.
HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.
Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.
Let's just blame it on the rain, k?
And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.
Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.
I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.
Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.
A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.
Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.
A Heart Full of Love
Posted in family, growing up, holidays, Husband, Les Miserables, love, lyrics on by
A heart full of love
No fear, no regret.
-Les Miserables
I can't help but giggle when I listen to my sisters-in-law talk about their Christmas plans. It seems like not long ago that it was Adam and I discussing how we would visit all of our families in the short span they all wanted to see us in.
This is our 9th Christmas together.
I'm slightly embarassed to admit this, but I think I've finally got it figured out. It took me 9 years, but I finally realized why I don't need to worry about who to see and where to drive... I have *them*. The two people that I really want to spend time with will be with me no matter where we go. My husband and daughter (along with the one in my belly) will be at every dinner, in the car on every road and singing along with my every Christmas carol. Nothing else matters as long as I have them. It's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of the stress and rushing that comes with trying to please everyone.
So while I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing my every moment on Christmas Eve and Day will be filled with love from my little family, I can also sympathize with those that aren't there yet... I remember the feelings, the disappointment, and worry about disappointing others. I can lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on while it all seems so tough. One day they will find this bliss. This year, I have mine.
No fear, no regret.
-Les Miserables
I can't help but giggle when I listen to my sisters-in-law talk about their Christmas plans. It seems like not long ago that it was Adam and I discussing how we would visit all of our families in the short span they all wanted to see us in.
This is our 9th Christmas together.
I'm slightly embarassed to admit this, but I think I've finally got it figured out. It took me 9 years, but I finally realized why I don't need to worry about who to see and where to drive... I have *them*. The two people that I really want to spend time with will be with me no matter where we go. My husband and daughter (along with the one in my belly) will be at every dinner, in the car on every road and singing along with my every Christmas carol. Nothing else matters as long as I have them. It's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of the stress and rushing that comes with trying to please everyone.
So while I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing my every moment on Christmas Eve and Day will be filled with love from my little family, I can also sympathize with those that aren't there yet... I remember the feelings, the disappointment, and worry about disappointing others. I can lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on while it all seems so tough. One day they will find this bliss. This year, I have mine.
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
Posted in growing up, lyrics, Scarlett, singing on by
It never ceases to amaze me how much Scarlett knows. She shows me something new every day. Not long ago, it was The Itsy Bitsy Spider. We sang it at The Little Gym one night and I was shocked to see that she knew the hand motions with it! Of course, I sang it over and over and over again for days...how could you not?! It was too cute. I managed to get a bit on video, but she was getting fed up with me. I just love watching her learn and grow. It's incredible to see life again through a child's eyes. Everything is so much more vibrant.
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