Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
-U2

My 'quarter-life crisis' continues... I find myself in a struggle to let myself just become who I am. I'm feeling a lot of resistance to change. Not only within myself, but with others, too.

It's not possible to please everyone.

I think I just need to go forward with the best intentions and put my faith in God that he will lead me in the right direction.

I need to realize that there are likely to be glitches, but they are not the end of the road, only minor setbacks.

I really need to remember my forgiveness post.

And I desperately need to surround myself with the love and support of my friends and family.

Something in the Air

There's something in the air tonight
Something electric the point where love ignites
The center of the heart
You never see it coming
There isn't a warning, no reason, not a sign
But you can feel it everywhere
There's something in the air
- Lila McCann

I am feeling invigorated.

I had a nice, relaxing weekend and a great chance to reconnect with my husband. I have been feeling a bit of distance between us lately and this weekend we began bridging that gap. We weren't fighting or anything, just not connecting. He works early, so has to go to sleep early and I've been up with the baby. The time we are home together is usually spent cooking, cleaning, or playing/taking care of the girls. It's easy to forget to tend to our relationship.

I am so in love with him.


I asked him yesterday if he knew 10 years ago that we would be where we are now. He said, "maybe not 2 kids yet, but I always knew I'd be with you". I love that. I will never understand how a 16 year old boy was so sure, but I'm thankful he was. And somehow he was right...10 years, a million problems, a house, 2 kids and he can still give me butterfiles. I'd say that's pretty special.

Forgiveness

Something I've been chewing on for the past few days...

I tried to make a list of things that I would find 'unforgiveable' and I didn't come up with much...

Here is the conclusion I did come to... If I'm going to forgive someone(s) for something that's happened, what is the point in being upset about it at all. It's not like my reaction is going to change what's already happened. All it does is cause me stress and heartache. I'm feeling like I should skip the anger, skip the frustration and simply forgive.

It sounds so simple, I don't know how I didn't come to this before...

I'll be putting this new plan into action today. I'll keep you posted on how it goes ;)

Tuesday Morning

Tuesday morning
In the dark
I was finding out who you are
-Michelle Branch

If there was ever a moment that I realized how wonderful my husband is, it was this... As Monday night turned into Tuesday morning, we laid in bed talking...

I'm glad we got to meet your friend.

Me too. Weren't they just beautiful?

Yeah...maybe 6 wouldn't be bad...

You really think?

I just want you to be happy

I love you

BUT if we get to 6, that's my absolute limit!

We'll know...when we find our number, we'll just *know*

As long as it's not more than 6.

I don't know if we will actually have 6 kids, but I don't think that matters. I love that he sees the beauty in it. I love that he is flexible enough to open his heart to more babies...and what I love MOST is that he loves ME that much.

The final number? Only time will tell... But I have to say, it's kind of fun not knowing.

Quarter Life Crisis

It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way,
I wonder sometimes about the outcome
-John Mayer, Why Georgia

So I've begun to realize there is a change happening within me. I think it's fun to know that I'm continually changing and growing.... And I'm really excited to see where it's taking me.

My Oh My

Times have changed and so have I
I once was young and starry-eyed
- The Wreckers

I was talking with my mom the other day, and was suprised by one of her questions...

"So, why do you feed Liv on demand and not on a schedule like you did with Scarlett?"

The funny thing about that question is that Liv is technically on the same scheudle that Scarlett was, but it was her own doing, not mine.

But in all honesty, I didn't know how to answer her question. I immediately felt defensive, like she was questioning my parenting. In fact, I'm sure she was because it was different than how she did it and infinitely different than how her mother did it. See, that's the funny thing about first children... I feel like it took me so long to find my footing after having Scarlett that I took other people's advice like it was gold and not just an opinion. I tried so hard to 'look' like a good mom in other people's eyes, because I didn't want them to see how difficult the transition was for me. I loved and hoped for people to tell me how I was "such a natural mother" and I like to think a little bit of that is true. There are definitely nurturing, maternal things that came quickly, but I didn't trust myself or my instincts. I was so scared of doing something wrong.

I'm sure of myself now. I know I'm a good mom. I don't need the constant reassurance and I don't need to know how everyone else used to do it or would if they had another baby. Of course, I welcome opinions and advice, but I know that's all it is...opinions and advice. Mother knows best, right? I'm the mother now :) I love that feeling. I love that I know what is right for my daughters and my family. It's so empowering. I'm sure I'll still make plenty of mistakes, but that's the beauty of it.