Something in the Air

There's something in the air tonight
Something electric the point where love ignites
The center of the heart
You never see it coming
There isn't a warning, no reason, not a sign
But you can feel it everywhere
There's something in the air
- Lila McCann

I am feeling invigorated.

I had a nice, relaxing weekend and a great chance to reconnect with my husband. I have been feeling a bit of distance between us lately and this weekend we began bridging that gap. We weren't fighting or anything, just not connecting. He works early, so has to go to sleep early and I've been up with the baby. The time we are home together is usually spent cooking, cleaning, or playing/taking care of the girls. It's easy to forget to tend to our relationship.

I am so in love with him.


I asked him yesterday if he knew 10 years ago that we would be where we are now. He said, "maybe not 2 kids yet, but I always knew I'd be with you". I love that. I will never understand how a 16 year old boy was so sure, but I'm thankful he was. And somehow he was right...10 years, a million problems, a house, 2 kids and he can still give me butterfiles. I'd say that's pretty special.

Tuesday Morning

Tuesday morning
In the dark
I was finding out who you are
-Michelle Branch

If there was ever a moment that I realized how wonderful my husband is, it was this... As Monday night turned into Tuesday morning, we laid in bed talking...

I'm glad we got to meet your friend.

Me too. Weren't they just beautiful?

Yeah...maybe 6 wouldn't be bad...

You really think?

I just want you to be happy

I love you

BUT if we get to 6, that's my absolute limit!

We'll know...when we find our number, we'll just *know*

As long as it's not more than 6.

I don't know if we will actually have 6 kids, but I don't think that matters. I love that he sees the beauty in it. I love that he is flexible enough to open his heart to more babies...and what I love MOST is that he loves ME that much.

The final number? Only time will tell... But I have to say, it's kind of fun not knowing.

That's Not My Name

They call me 'quiet girl'
But I'm a riot
Mary, Jo, Lisa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
-The Ting Tings

I think I've spoken before of how cute it is to hear Scarlett pronounce her words. It's fun to hear her emphasis and the syllables that she leaves out. This was never one of them. From the very first time she said 'spider', I knew what she was talking about... my husband did not. He asked her to say the word several times yesterday before he finally broke down and asked what she was saying (through his laughs, actually). I told him that she was asking to play spiders (The Itsy Bitsy Spider story we have on our phones). He laughed even harder... "it sounds like she's saying badass"... Maybe you should be the judge...



HAHA!! Yes, I agree with him that if you don't know what she's trying to say, it sounds an awful lot like badass, so that's his new favorite thing to get her to say.

Oh the goofiness in my house sometimes.

Your Body is a Wonderland

Your body is a wonderland
-John Mayer

It's funny to me how a few years, some great friends and life lessons can change your perspective on things... not to mention a sweet whisper from an amazing hubby...

When I was pregnant with Scarlett, I remember being so self-conscious about my changing body. I shied away from others touching my belly, I checked the mirror every day for stretch marks, spent loads of money on creams and oils that never worked, and hid myself under baggy maternity clothes and jackets. I wasn't ashamed of being pregnant, I just couldn't get myself to embrace my body. I think some of it was because I had just spent a year and a half losing weight and my husband wasn't as affectionate as he had been before.

So, here I am nearly 3 year later, loving my belly. Want to see it?


Ok...so what changed?

First (and I think most importantly) my darling husband caught me looking at myself in the mirror (NO, I wasn't looking for stretch marks...I have so many, what would one more be?!). He came up behind me, leaned in close and whispered 'you look so sexy'. My response? LAUGHTER! He said 'Seriously... you look gorgeous.' It sparked a conversation about his lack of affection. I found out that he felt guilty about all the problems I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Scarlett and it carried over. This time it was amplified because of the loss we had last year. It's nice to know that I'm not a total cow in my husband's eyes and definitely boosted my confidence about my big, beautiful body ;)

Speaking of, our loss had a huge impact on me...naturally, right? I think I may have taken it all a bit for granted with Scarlett. I never really stopped to think of the wonder and miracle that babies are. I never fully grasped how incredible my body is to be able to give life. This time, I get it. I may gain 100 lbs or 5 lbs, but each pound has a purpose. My body is changing and growing to nourish the tiny one inside me. I am her home, her whole life and I will give anything to keep her and help her.

I also have some pretty amazing friends. They are always there to remind me of those things I forget. They are always lifting me up when I'm down. Most importantly, they are always supportive. I'm really lucky to have them. On days when I feel blue, I can count on them to remind me of my blessings. Even on good days, I find lessons in thier words, wisdom in thier actions and love in thier hearts that doesn't compare. They each inspire me in thier own ways to be a better woman, a better wife and a better mother.

Now, I'm at pregnancy number three and FINALLY embracing the experience. I'm not saying I don't complain, because I sure do sometimes, but I really try to cherish every moment, every movement of this little one and every ache and pain. Because really, it *is* a miracle. New life is incredible and being able to experience it is even more amazing.

And besides, my hubby thinks I'm sexy...

Hey, Soul Sister

He made me cry last night... the good kind of cry.

He came home very excited to have me listen to a new song he heard. "It reminds me SO much of you. I could've written it...well, except the part about Mr. Mister, because I've never heard you listen to them"

Just that he thought of me made my eyes well up with tears, then the song started. It's not even a sappy love song... more goofy and off the wall, upbeat kind of song. I couldn't help the tears that came. I'm so lucky to have him.

Youre the only one Im dreaming of, you see
I can be myself now finally
In fact theres nothing I cant be
I want the world to see youll be with me
-Train, Hey Soul Sister

Happy

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy
-Natasha Beddingfield, Happy

The mood has passed. That little grey cloud that I felt hung on me yesterday has dissipated, with much thanks to my Happy Pill. Sounds like an ad for some anti-depression meds... I have my own form of that, I guess.

I have an amazing husband, who always seems to know what I need before I need it.

Ever since Thanksgiving, my sisters-in-law quizzed me daily about what I wanted for Christmas. It took me a few weeks to think of things, but when I decided, i was really excited. I wanted bath goodies from Lush, my favorite bath goody store. Then a few weeks later, they told me they went to the store and left empty handed because they didn't like the smell. BUMMER! I was disappointed.

Fast forward to Christmas morning (and if kids are reading, stop here...). We opened presents and passed out stockings. I looked in my stocking to see that my wonderful husband drove over a half hour before work one day so that he could fill my stocking with LUSH bath balls, melts and bubble bars. He's so sweet. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm so glad I did.

And then we come to last night... After I put the little one to bed, I thought about how nice a warm bath sounded. I pulled out my bag of goodies so I could find one to put in the tub with me. THIS is what I found... a happy pill. I couldn't help but smile when reading about it. I love that he picked that one out. I like to think he imagined my face and my thoughts when I opened it and read the 'purpose' of this bomb. It makes me laugh when I imagine his thought process in choosing this... 1) wife is crabby. 2) she wants a bath. 3) drop in Happy Pill. 4) Play video games while she bathes. 5) She comes out smiling.

It worked like a charm. Incredible bath, and I did come out smiling.

I'm so glad he's mine.

Stay or Leave

1 am rolled around and he was fighting his sleep. Fighting hard, for me.

Part of it is because I'm such a night owl. I could easily stay up until 3 am before passing out. I try and try to sleep earlier (it's not easy to get out of bed for work when I stay up so late) but I just end up staring at the ceiling listening to my hubby mumble and snore in his sleep.

The other part is that it was our last night home together and I didn't want it to end. His vacation is over. It seemed too short, but I'm trying hard to be thankful for the time we did have. I made him stay up until he just physically couldn't do it anymore. I made him talk to me and rub my back and even (gasp) cuddle! Haha! I have to say it like that because I can't cuddle when I go to sleep. I need some space...breathing room, especially with my ever expanding belly.

Sounds silly to even make a big deal of...

He comes home every night. I should be grateful for that. Some days it just seems so hard. Today is one of them. I'll see him at 11 pm and he'll be ready for bed by midnight. I guess that's ok. I should appreciate more that I have that hour with him... I'm just selfish. I want more. I want him all to myself, all the time. Silly me.

p.s. Sorry, I just couldn't pick one part of the song... I just love the whole thing.

May be different but remember
Winters warm there you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes...
The river swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
or that I coulda done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went
So what to do with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I could?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
-Dave Matthews Band, Stay or Leave

A Heart Full of Love

A heart full of love
No fear, no regret.
-Les Miserables

I can't help but giggle when I listen to my sisters-in-law talk about their Christmas plans. It seems like not long ago that it was Adam and I discussing how we would visit all of our families in the short span they all wanted to see us in.

This is our 9th Christmas together.

I'm slightly embarassed to admit this, but I think I've finally got it figured out. It took me 9 years, but I finally realized why I don't need to worry about who to see and where to drive... I have *them*. The two people that I really want to spend time with will be with me no matter where we go. My husband and daughter (along with the one in my belly) will be at every dinner, in the car on every road and singing along with my every Christmas carol. Nothing else matters as long as I have them. It's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of the stress and rushing that comes with trying to please everyone.

So while I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing my every moment on Christmas Eve and Day will be filled with love from my little family, I can also sympathize with those that aren't there yet... I remember the feelings, the disappointment, and worry about disappointing others. I can lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on while it all seems so tough. One day they will find this bliss. This year, I have mine.

One More Girl

I took off my iron smile
because I felt it weighed me down.
-The Wreckers- One More Girl

Maybe it's my hormones, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. Just when I start feeling good, something else happens...another fight, another setback, another angry person.

I love my husband to pieces, but sometimes he just doesn't *get it*. I was excited to find out that we would be getting our childcare paid for, saving us loads of money. I thought it would be a great way to pay off our awful debt. He is trying to manipulate the situation so we spend more on his car than the insurance company gave us. I feel like the bad guy. We've shopped for 2 weeks for a car for him and he has turned down every one we saw that was in our budget. I feel like he's trying to break me down. I want out of debt, not into more debt!! Just frustrating.

And my mom... I know she gave birth to me and raised me, but does that give her the right to make my decisions? It's funny because some friends and I were talking about this really recently...this hold our mothers have over us. Yesterday I told my mom that I didn't want to find out the gender of this baby, but Adam does. I told her I would likely give in and we would find out, but I think it would be loads of fun to wait until delivery. She proceeded to tell me that if we didn't find out, she would. She would ask the tech, she would call, she would do what she had to do to know what gender my baby is. That's completely unacceptable in my opinion, but for some reason, she feels like that is her right. The conversation ended with her hanging up on me and me in tears. She was in the wrong, yet somehow I feel bad about the situation. Boo! She hates the name we picked out for a girl, too. She says she will absolutely never call her granddaughter by that name. Again...not her decision. She had her children and did everything how she wanted to and now it's my turn. Why doesn't she understand that? I can't wait to see my baby and know that it is healthy, but now I dread the decision of finding out the gender or not. It makes me want to go alone.

Ok, this was a huge vent post, but I feel a lot better after writing it. I need to write more often. My goal will be to write 3 more times this week!!

The One

I'm painfully self-conscious. That's my secret for you today.
I have to laugh that I would consider that a secret still. I'm sure anyone reading this knows about all my little sensitivities, something I often forget. I usually try and put on a strong and confidant face. I don't like people knowing I'm so tender and vulnerable.
Still yesterday I could feel my insecurities overflowing. I wasn't able to talk about it, because every time the thought crept into my mind I teared up...yesterday was April's due date. I'm so glad my dear cousin remembered and invited me to dinner. We didn't need to say anything, just the company is all I needed. It was so nice to be surrounded by that love.
After dinner I came home to make chocolate chip cookies to thank my husband's co-worker for giving him rides to work since our car was totalled. I love to bake, but I must admit that cookies (chocolate chip in particular) are not my specialty. I'm more of a cake, breads, and cupcake kind of girl. I burnt the first batch. Bummer. Then I feared I wouldn't get it right at all, after I had boasted about how he'd have fresh, warm cookies to take home that night! I have to laugh at the pressure I put on myself to get it right...they're just cookies, for goodness sake! Oh well, they got the hubby seal of approval as he walked them to his co-worker. Then he made sure to eat 3 more in front of me so I knew how much he liked them. I love that he knew I needed that re-assurance. I LOVE that he called me after being picked up for work to tell me his co-worker ate half the cookies already. I love him.

So I learned to cook
And finally lose my kitchen phobia
So I've got the arms to cuddle in
When there's a ghost or a muse
That brings insomnia

To buy more thongs,
To write more happy songs,
It always takes a little help from someone

You're the one I need
The way back home is always long
But if you're close to me
I'm holding on
-Shakira- The One

Better Together

Today started off really rough for me. I'm happy to say that my 'morning sickness' has really become only morning sickness, but some are harder to handle than others. This was one of those mornings. All I could do was lay on the couch in between the sprints to the toilet. Thank goodness for my husband. He was on top of his game today. On top of cleaning the kitchen, decorating for Halloween and running after our goofy little girl, he still found the time to rub my back while I got sick and make me soup so I could try and take my anti-nausea meds. I know this part of the pregnancy isn't easy for him, but he manages to suck it up with little complaint. I'm so very grateful. I certainly could not do this without him, nor would I want to. He is so good to me. So, here's my song for the day. It's Better Together by Jack Johnson and here is a snippet of lyrics...

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where did we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy
And sometimes life can be decieving
I'll tell you one thing, It's always better when we're together.

I'm glad I made it here to post today. I was so worried I wouldn't think of something to write about. This is good. So, the days when I want to scream at what my husband has or hasn't done, I can remember this. LOL!