Your Body is a Wonderland

Your body is a wonderland
-John Mayer

It's funny to me how a few years, some great friends and life lessons can change your perspective on things... not to mention a sweet whisper from an amazing hubby...

When I was pregnant with Scarlett, I remember being so self-conscious about my changing body. I shied away from others touching my belly, I checked the mirror every day for stretch marks, spent loads of money on creams and oils that never worked, and hid myself under baggy maternity clothes and jackets. I wasn't ashamed of being pregnant, I just couldn't get myself to embrace my body. I think some of it was because I had just spent a year and a half losing weight and my husband wasn't as affectionate as he had been before.

So, here I am nearly 3 year later, loving my belly. Want to see it?


Ok...so what changed?

First (and I think most importantly) my darling husband caught me looking at myself in the mirror (NO, I wasn't looking for stretch marks...I have so many, what would one more be?!). He came up behind me, leaned in close and whispered 'you look so sexy'. My response? LAUGHTER! He said 'Seriously... you look gorgeous.' It sparked a conversation about his lack of affection. I found out that he felt guilty about all the problems I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Scarlett and it carried over. This time it was amplified because of the loss we had last year. It's nice to know that I'm not a total cow in my husband's eyes and definitely boosted my confidence about my big, beautiful body ;)

Speaking of, our loss had a huge impact on me...naturally, right? I think I may have taken it all a bit for granted with Scarlett. I never really stopped to think of the wonder and miracle that babies are. I never fully grasped how incredible my body is to be able to give life. This time, I get it. I may gain 100 lbs or 5 lbs, but each pound has a purpose. My body is changing and growing to nourish the tiny one inside me. I am her home, her whole life and I will give anything to keep her and help her.

I also have some pretty amazing friends. They are always there to remind me of those things I forget. They are always lifting me up when I'm down. Most importantly, they are always supportive. I'm really lucky to have them. On days when I feel blue, I can count on them to remind me of my blessings. Even on good days, I find lessons in thier words, wisdom in thier actions and love in thier hearts that doesn't compare. They each inspire me in thier own ways to be a better woman, a better wife and a better mother.

Now, I'm at pregnancy number three and FINALLY embracing the experience. I'm not saying I don't complain, because I sure do sometimes, but I really try to cherish every moment, every movement of this little one and every ache and pain. Because really, it *is* a miracle. New life is incredible and being able to experience it is even more amazing.

And besides, my hubby thinks I'm sexy...

Yesterday

DABDA

That's how I was taught to remember the stages of grief...

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I remember very clearly going through each stage after the loss of my baby in April. I know the moment that I took each step forward and made my way through the grief... up until acceptance. Acceptance seems to be a much larger step than I had prepared for.

Some parts of me feel like I'm there, like I've accepted this loss. I know there is nothing that can be done to change the outcome, so there is no sense in fighting it or myself. There is a larger part of me that is afraid to say that. Somehow it feels like accepting that I will never have my baby is saying that it's ok that I lost her. It's not ok, it hurts. I will never stop being sad about it. I can only guess that time and faith will bring me to a better place. One where it's ok to still feel that sorrow and accept that my baby will never see the world. Right now, I'm not there.

Wow. It feels really good to say this. Maybe just getting this out brings me one step closer to the place I want to be. A lot of my emotions right now, I think, are because I'm pregnant again. Not that my hormones are out of whack (well they are, but not for this purpose), but because I'm still struggling with the loss of one babe while trying feel and love and grow a new life. I know I'm not the first to feel like this and probably won't be the last, unfortunately. I'm lucky to have friends and family so close to me, that have helped me navigate this far, and I know they'll be there for me any time I need them. Thank you.