DABDA
That's how I was taught to remember the stages of grief...
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I remember very clearly going through each stage after the loss of my baby in April. I know the moment that I took each step forward and made my way through the grief... up until acceptance. Acceptance seems to be a much larger step than I had prepared for.
Some parts of me feel like I'm there, like I've accepted this loss. I know there is nothing that can be done to change the outcome, so there is no sense in fighting it or myself. There is a larger part of me that is afraid to say that. Somehow it feels like accepting that I will never have my baby is saying that it's ok that I lost her. It's not ok, it hurts. I will never stop being sad about it. I can only guess that time and faith will bring me to a better place. One where it's ok to still feel that sorrow and accept that my baby will never see the world. Right now, I'm not there.
Wow. It feels really good to say this. Maybe just getting this out brings me one step closer to the place I want to be. A lot of my emotions right now, I think, are because I'm pregnant again. Not that my hormones are out of whack (well they are, but not for this purpose), but because I'm still struggling with the loss of one babe while trying feel and love and grow a new life. I know I'm not the first to feel like this and probably won't be the last, unfortunately. I'm lucky to have friends and family so close to me, that have helped me navigate this far, and I know they'll be there for me any time I need them. Thank you.
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3 comments:
Yeh, you can't rush ahead of time to get to a place of healing... You know what? Holding your sweet, fresh little baby in your arms will bring you so much comfort too, Alicia - not in the sense that new baby replaces baby April - but in the sense that God gives you a good gift that brings gratitude. (((hugs)))
Love you!! I totally know what you mean, for the most part. HUGS.
((((HUG)))). Love you dear sweet Alicia.....and I am right there with you, Paige and Kristine. I agree with Paige in that you will never forget sweet baby April but this new babe will bring you comfort beyond measure.
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