Just The Two of Us

Everytime I look at you I think man, a little me
Just like me
-Will Smith, Just The Two of Us


It's really a wonder to watch kids grow. It doesn't seem like too long ago that Scarlett only did four things...eat, sleep, cry and potty. Today, she's developed into her own person. She has her own opinions, wants, likes and dislikes (which she's very willing to share with you) and quite a personality.

The best part of it all is watching what she picks up from her dad and I. On Christmas Eve, I sat in the bathroom and did my makeup. When I got up to get dressed, I came back to the bathroom to see this...



HAHAHA!! It was the cutest thing. She went on for about 15 minutes with different colors and brushes (not actually putting it on, but thinking she was). Maybe it's time to start watching what I say and do...I'd hate to think of my bad habits and words she could pick up.

And then there is this... She got a new toy for Christmas. A princess vanity that has a piano and several small musical toys. I like to think she's musical because I am. I sang to her every day when I was pregnant and still do. We dance and sing every chance we have. I'm so glad to have this little gem on tape. You have to listen close to hear her occasional singing, but it sure is priceless.

It's So Chic to be Preganant at Christmas

Ok, so I had planned on writing a nice post today and in the process of finding a song to fit my mood I stumbled upon this gem.

I think this says it all...some days, anyway...

I promise I'll actually write something tomorrow, but for now, enjoy!!

A Heart Full of Love

A heart full of love
No fear, no regret.
-Les Miserables

I can't help but giggle when I listen to my sisters-in-law talk about their Christmas plans. It seems like not long ago that it was Adam and I discussing how we would visit all of our families in the short span they all wanted to see us in.

This is our 9th Christmas together.

I'm slightly embarassed to admit this, but I think I've finally got it figured out. It took me 9 years, but I finally realized why I don't need to worry about who to see and where to drive... I have *them*. The two people that I really want to spend time with will be with me no matter where we go. My husband and daughter (along with the one in my belly) will be at every dinner, in the car on every road and singing along with my every Christmas carol. Nothing else matters as long as I have them. It's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of the stress and rushing that comes with trying to please everyone.

So while I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing my every moment on Christmas Eve and Day will be filled with love from my little family, I can also sympathize with those that aren't there yet... I remember the feelings, the disappointment, and worry about disappointing others. I can lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on while it all seems so tough. One day they will find this bliss. This year, I have mine.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

It never ceases to amaze me how much Scarlett knows. She shows me something new every day. Not long ago, it was The Itsy Bitsy Spider. We sang it at The Little Gym one night and I was shocked to see that she knew the hand motions with it! Of course, I sang it over and over and over again for days...how could you not?! It was too cute. I managed to get a bit on video, but she was getting fed up with me. I just love watching her learn and grow. It's incredible to see life again through a child's eyes. Everything is so much more vibrant.

She

I know it's been a long while since I updated, but I'm trying to get back on top of my life and the things I want/need to be doing. I feel like I'm finally getting over the morning sickness hump. It's getting less and less often, so I'm sure I'm nearly done with it.

I had my 'big' ultrasound last week. Everything looked good, baby is healthy and despite that news I couldn't help but be a little disappointed. This was my 3rd ultrasound and I still didn't get a picture of my babe to take home. It's probably a silly thing to be upset about that, but keep in mind, I'm a little hormonal (and by a little, I mean WATCH OUT, I can't control myself at all). The doc asked me how everything went and I took the opportunity to express my disappointment. I was surprised at how his expression changed... He's such a kind doctor and so understanding. He put the wand on my tummy and the first thing that popped up on screen was a little bum. He looked at it from several angles before deciding that it was definitely a girl. I couldn't help the huge smile that spread across my face. I couldn't help but imagine my sweet little Scarlett with a tiny sister and how they would grow together and learn so much from each other. I'm bursting with excitment at the coming months and a sweet pair of sisters. So my song today is dedicated to my girls...

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and rainy years
Me I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She
-Elvis Costello, She

What You Are

What you are
Is a missing piece
What you are
Is a puzzle to me
-Dave Matthews Band- What You Are

We have a date! Our ultrasound has been scheduled and in a mere 3 weeks, we will be able to take a peek at this little person I'm feeling move around. Not only that, but we will possibly get an answer to that nagging little question...what gender is it? I have to laugh because it seems that everyone else wants to know more than I do. I can honestly say I am happy to just have a healthy baby. Every time I think I know what it is anyway, I change my mind. I was sure this babe was a girl for the longest time, but there are things that make me think boy quite often, too. Hence the lyrics by one of my fave artists, Dave Matthews. It's a puzzle to me. I kind of like it like that.

One More Girl

I took off my iron smile
because I felt it weighed me down.
-The Wreckers- One More Girl

Maybe it's my hormones, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. Just when I start feeling good, something else happens...another fight, another setback, another angry person.

I love my husband to pieces, but sometimes he just doesn't *get it*. I was excited to find out that we would be getting our childcare paid for, saving us loads of money. I thought it would be a great way to pay off our awful debt. He is trying to manipulate the situation so we spend more on his car than the insurance company gave us. I feel like the bad guy. We've shopped for 2 weeks for a car for him and he has turned down every one we saw that was in our budget. I feel like he's trying to break me down. I want out of debt, not into more debt!! Just frustrating.

And my mom... I know she gave birth to me and raised me, but does that give her the right to make my decisions? It's funny because some friends and I were talking about this really recently...this hold our mothers have over us. Yesterday I told my mom that I didn't want to find out the gender of this baby, but Adam does. I told her I would likely give in and we would find out, but I think it would be loads of fun to wait until delivery. She proceeded to tell me that if we didn't find out, she would. She would ask the tech, she would call, she would do what she had to do to know what gender my baby is. That's completely unacceptable in my opinion, but for some reason, she feels like that is her right. The conversation ended with her hanging up on me and me in tears. She was in the wrong, yet somehow I feel bad about the situation. Boo! She hates the name we picked out for a girl, too. She says she will absolutely never call her granddaughter by that name. Again...not her decision. She had her children and did everything how she wanted to and now it's my turn. Why doesn't she understand that? I can't wait to see my baby and know that it is healthy, but now I dread the decision of finding out the gender or not. It makes me want to go alone.

Ok, this was a huge vent post, but I feel a lot better after writing it. I need to write more often. My goal will be to write 3 more times this week!!

The One

I'm painfully self-conscious. That's my secret for you today.
I have to laugh that I would consider that a secret still. I'm sure anyone reading this knows about all my little sensitivities, something I often forget. I usually try and put on a strong and confidant face. I don't like people knowing I'm so tender and vulnerable.
Still yesterday I could feel my insecurities overflowing. I wasn't able to talk about it, because every time the thought crept into my mind I teared up...yesterday was April's due date. I'm so glad my dear cousin remembered and invited me to dinner. We didn't need to say anything, just the company is all I needed. It was so nice to be surrounded by that love.
After dinner I came home to make chocolate chip cookies to thank my husband's co-worker for giving him rides to work since our car was totalled. I love to bake, but I must admit that cookies (chocolate chip in particular) are not my specialty. I'm more of a cake, breads, and cupcake kind of girl. I burnt the first batch. Bummer. Then I feared I wouldn't get it right at all, after I had boasted about how he'd have fresh, warm cookies to take home that night! I have to laugh at the pressure I put on myself to get it right...they're just cookies, for goodness sake! Oh well, they got the hubby seal of approval as he walked them to his co-worker. Then he made sure to eat 3 more in front of me so I knew how much he liked them. I love that he knew I needed that re-assurance. I LOVE that he called me after being picked up for work to tell me his co-worker ate half the cookies already. I love him.

So I learned to cook
And finally lose my kitchen phobia
So I've got the arms to cuddle in
When there's a ghost or a muse
That brings insomnia

To buy more thongs,
To write more happy songs,
It always takes a little help from someone

You're the one I need
The way back home is always long
But if you're close to me
I'm holding on
-Shakira- The One

Have A Little Faith in Me

It's a funny thing how God knows who to bring into your life to help you along the way. I have been blessed to be surrounded by some amazing friends that keep my path lit. Whenever I feel my faith faulter, I can count on them to help me through. I think that's the amazing thing about God. He knew I would need each one of these women. He knew their faith and strength would inspire me. I'm so thankful to have such a wise, loving God. I'm also more thankful than I can say to each of these women. I love you guys


And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch your fall
Have a little faith in me

Joe Cocker - Have A Little Faith in Me

Baby, Baby

Dear little babe,
I'm starting to feel the little flutters... usually at night after your dad comes home from work. I like to think you're acknowledging that he's here, with us. I can't wait until they become stronger and more regular. I can't wait until he gets to feel them. I love seeing your connection grow once he has the assurance that I have had all along that there really is a little one growing in there. There's a little debate about whether to find out if you're a boy or girl, but it really doesn't matter. We love you and always will.
With hugs and kisses,
Mommy
p.s. If you kick harder during your favorite lullaby, I'll remember to sing that one more often.


Baby, Baby by Amy Grant

Baby, baby
I'm taken by the notion
To love you with the sweetest of devotion
Baby, baby
My love for you will flow from
The bluest skies to the deepest ocean

Wreck of the Day

Ok, as promised I am back to edit this post...and as a special treat, I'll have another post for today, as well!

When I was just 21, I managed to save and save to buy my own brand new car. I was so proud that day. Without the help of my parents, I spoke, bartered and held my ground with the salesman until he agreed on a price. Then proceeded to paperwork, making all the right decisions about extended warrentees, theft protection and scotch gard (I only got the theft protection). There wasn't a better feeling at the time, than driving my very own, brand new car home and not even having payments on it.

I really gained a lot from that experience. No amount of bullying or "we'll throw this in" made me budge. I learned to research the car before looking at it. I went through consumer reports and owner ratings. I also looked at market value vs. mark ups on the lot. I kind of feel like it was a little test for me. At such a delicate age, I was able to show the world what I was made of. And boy was that salesman surprised at the 'little girl' that sat before him. I remember how he couldn't help but smile every time I rejected his new offer. And how he walked back to his boss, head hanging to try again and again. It was my first real world experience and I passed my test with flying colors.

That beautiful little black Toyota Corolla is now sitting at an impound lot, waiting to be hauled to a wrecking yard. On late Sunday night it was hit, while parked in front of our house. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I can't help but be a little bit sad about the loss of my car...my first real triumph. That makes me laugh. I can't help but think this pregnancy is making me more sentimental and emotional.

Today's music is from Anna Nalick's Wreck of the Day:

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, I'm finally on my way home
To the comfort of my bed.

Yesterday

DABDA

That's how I was taught to remember the stages of grief...

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I remember very clearly going through each stage after the loss of my baby in April. I know the moment that I took each step forward and made my way through the grief... up until acceptance. Acceptance seems to be a much larger step than I had prepared for.

Some parts of me feel like I'm there, like I've accepted this loss. I know there is nothing that can be done to change the outcome, so there is no sense in fighting it or myself. There is a larger part of me that is afraid to say that. Somehow it feels like accepting that I will never have my baby is saying that it's ok that I lost her. It's not ok, it hurts. I will never stop being sad about it. I can only guess that time and faith will bring me to a better place. One where it's ok to still feel that sorrow and accept that my baby will never see the world. Right now, I'm not there.

Wow. It feels really good to say this. Maybe just getting this out brings me one step closer to the place I want to be. A lot of my emotions right now, I think, are because I'm pregnant again. Not that my hormones are out of whack (well they are, but not for this purpose), but because I'm still struggling with the loss of one babe while trying feel and love and grow a new life. I know I'm not the first to feel like this and probably won't be the last, unfortunately. I'm lucky to have friends and family so close to me, that have helped me navigate this far, and I know they'll be there for me any time I need them. Thank you.

Sick and Tired

It's been a really bum day. I had the day off work and was excited to get things done with the little girl. Unfortunately, other plans were made for us.

She woke up at 3 am, getting sick in her crib. Not a very pleasant thing for a mommy dealing with constant nausea. After cleaning her and settling my own tummy, I finally fell asleep around 5 am. When we woke for the day, it was with snotty noses and sore throats...both of us. I hate it when she is sick. I feel so helpless.

The good news is that before she went to bed, she was acting a lot better. I think by morning it'll just be the sniffles. I hope anyway.

As for me, I'm going to take a moment to complain. I'm so so very grateful for this little babe, but I'm SO SO ready to be done with this morning sickness. I'm thirteen weeks on Monday, so it should be over any time now. Here's my feeling for the day, in lyrics by White Tie Affair...

I took a ride on a(n) (October) morning,
Just getting over it and dealing with the morning,
I started thinking out loud: I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired

Ok, I'm done now. I'm going to go curl up in bed and have faith that tomorrow will be better.

Better Together

Today started off really rough for me. I'm happy to say that my 'morning sickness' has really become only morning sickness, but some are harder to handle than others. This was one of those mornings. All I could do was lay on the couch in between the sprints to the toilet. Thank goodness for my husband. He was on top of his game today. On top of cleaning the kitchen, decorating for Halloween and running after our goofy little girl, he still found the time to rub my back while I got sick and make me soup so I could try and take my anti-nausea meds. I know this part of the pregnancy isn't easy for him, but he manages to suck it up with little complaint. I'm so very grateful. I certainly could not do this without him, nor would I want to. He is so good to me. So, here's my song for the day. It's Better Together by Jack Johnson and here is a snippet of lyrics...

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where did we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy
And sometimes life can be decieving
I'll tell you one thing, It's always better when we're together.

I'm glad I made it here to post today. I was so worried I wouldn't think of something to write about. This is good. So, the days when I want to scream at what my husband has or hasn't done, I can remember this. LOL!

You Get Me

I have been inspired.

I have several wonderful friends whose blogs I love reading, as well as some random ones. I love the way they capture their feelings, thoughts and moments. That is what brought me here.

I'll admit it took me quite a while to find a blog name and address that I felt comfortable with. It will be with me forever, so it wasn't something I took lightly. I finally settled on this one. It's a line from one of my favorite Michelle Branch songs, You Get Me...

You get me
When nobody understands you come and take a chance
Baby you get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
Still you want me all the time
Yeah You do
Yeah You get me

So I guess it all starts here. I hope to have something more interesting to say tomorrow. There was just a part of me that felt the need for an introduction.