So little to say
So much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
-Adele, First Love
I bite my tongue...a lot. I hate to make waves, make people feel uncomfortable or awkward, or worse, causing hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that it often hurts me to keep my mouth shut. I am the one who ends up suffering because I didn't stand up for myself, or clarify my stance or feelings.
In the recent months, I've found myself wanting to speak up more...and today, I find it incredibly hard to keep myself from making a bad situation worse by saying my peace on it. In my heart, I know it will only make things worse. Having a big blow up right now won't do anyone any good...on the other hand, I have so much I want to say. I guess I'm hoping by writing some of this out, I can let it go. A friend suggested I give it up to god... maybe this is my way of doing that... I'm not really sure. I just know that right now I need to be free of it. I don't need the stress, the anxiety or the heartache. So I will pull into my cocoon and start healing...but beware of the day that the final straw breaks the camel's back ;)
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Stand Still, Look Pretty
Posted in complaint, family, frustrations, growing up, insecurities, lyrics, my mom, The Wreckers, vent on 2:44 PM by Alicia
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).
It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...
The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.
I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.
My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?
My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.
My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.
Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...
I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.
I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.
HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.
Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.
Let's just blame it on the rain, k?
And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.
Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.
I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.
Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.
A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.
Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty
It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).
It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...
The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.
I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.
My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?
My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.
My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.
Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...
I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.
I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.
HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.
Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.
Let's just blame it on the rain, k?
And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.
Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.
I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.
Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.
A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.
Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.
One More Girl
Posted in frustrations, Husband, lyrics, my mom, The Wreckers, vent on 10:25 AM by Alicia
I took off my iron smile
because I felt it weighed me down.
-The Wreckers- One More Girl
Maybe it's my hormones, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. Just when I start feeling good, something else happens...another fight, another setback, another angry person.
I love my husband to pieces, but sometimes he just doesn't *get it*. I was excited to find out that we would be getting our childcare paid for, saving us loads of money. I thought it would be a great way to pay off our awful debt. He is trying to manipulate the situation so we spend more on his car than the insurance company gave us. I feel like the bad guy. We've shopped for 2 weeks for a car for him and he has turned down every one we saw that was in our budget. I feel like he's trying to break me down. I want out of debt, not into more debt!! Just frustrating.
And my mom... I know she gave birth to me and raised me, but does that give her the right to make my decisions? It's funny because some friends and I were talking about this really recently...this hold our mothers have over us. Yesterday I told my mom that I didn't want to find out the gender of this baby, but Adam does. I told her I would likely give in and we would find out, but I think it would be loads of fun to wait until delivery. She proceeded to tell me that if we didn't find out, she would. She would ask the tech, she would call, she would do what she had to do to know what gender my baby is. That's completely unacceptable in my opinion, but for some reason, she feels like that is her right. The conversation ended with her hanging up on me and me in tears. She was in the wrong, yet somehow I feel bad about the situation. Boo! She hates the name we picked out for a girl, too. She says she will absolutely never call her granddaughter by that name. Again...not her decision. She had her children and did everything how she wanted to and now it's my turn. Why doesn't she understand that? I can't wait to see my baby and know that it is healthy, but now I dread the decision of finding out the gender or not. It makes me want to go alone.
Ok, this was a huge vent post, but I feel a lot better after writing it. I need to write more often. My goal will be to write 3 more times this week!!
because I felt it weighed me down.
-The Wreckers- One More Girl
Maybe it's my hormones, but I can't seem to shake this sadness. Just when I start feeling good, something else happens...another fight, another setback, another angry person.
I love my husband to pieces, but sometimes he just doesn't *get it*. I was excited to find out that we would be getting our childcare paid for, saving us loads of money. I thought it would be a great way to pay off our awful debt. He is trying to manipulate the situation so we spend more on his car than the insurance company gave us. I feel like the bad guy. We've shopped for 2 weeks for a car for him and he has turned down every one we saw that was in our budget. I feel like he's trying to break me down. I want out of debt, not into more debt!! Just frustrating.
And my mom... I know she gave birth to me and raised me, but does that give her the right to make my decisions? It's funny because some friends and I were talking about this really recently...this hold our mothers have over us. Yesterday I told my mom that I didn't want to find out the gender of this baby, but Adam does. I told her I would likely give in and we would find out, but I think it would be loads of fun to wait until delivery. She proceeded to tell me that if we didn't find out, she would. She would ask the tech, she would call, she would do what she had to do to know what gender my baby is. That's completely unacceptable in my opinion, but for some reason, she feels like that is her right. The conversation ended with her hanging up on me and me in tears. She was in the wrong, yet somehow I feel bad about the situation. Boo! She hates the name we picked out for a girl, too. She says she will absolutely never call her granddaughter by that name. Again...not her decision. She had her children and did everything how she wanted to and now it's my turn. Why doesn't she understand that? I can't wait to see my baby and know that it is healthy, but now I dread the decision of finding out the gender or not. It makes me want to go alone.
Ok, this was a huge vent post, but I feel a lot better after writing it. I need to write more often. My goal will be to write 3 more times this week!!
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