Consumed

That's the best way I can put it...
CONSUMED
I feel like right now every moment that I'm not busy with Scar and Liv, or work, or some other little task is instead enveloped in thoughts of Vada.
Another stubborn little girl.
Another baby that just won't turn the right way.
I've tried (and continue to try daily) every possible thing to get her to turn her tush around. It's so frustrating to have no luck with it.
-Cesarean-
Ugh. It pains me just to type the word, let alone speak it. That is what I have to look forward to if she doesn't move. Not the worst thing in the world, I know. Plenty of people do it, but is it so terrible that I want to have a natural birth? I want to have that slippery, goopy little baby delivered onto my chest and have those first few moments of her life right next to me.
It's usually right here in my thoughts that my tears start flowing.
I have been trying to stay positive, but each day that passes and I still have a breech baby makes it just a little bit harder. If I have to have a c-section again, I will never have that chance for the natural birth so desire. Our hospital doesn't allow VBAC after 2 cesareans.
To add insult to injury, my silly sister-in-law wants to complain to me...me of all people she could talk to... about how bad her episiotomy still hurts. Bleh. I'd love the chance to have an episiotmy to heal from.
Yes, I know that many women would love the chance for a c-section. And I know that this could be construed many different ways. And I definitely know that I should be very grateful that I'm even lucky enough to have a baby.
But just for this moment, I want to complain. I want to shout from the roofs about how unfair it is. I want to feel that sorry for myself.
Because after I get all of this out, I will rise again.
I will remember to be grateful. I will hold my head high and know that I've done all I can. I will lay it in His hands and He will take care of V and me. I will be stronger for my struggles.
More than all of that... I will be a mother again.
I will hold my tiny little babe and nothing else in this world will matter.

Now I can take a deep breath because I feel better already.