Me: I love you, Scarlett
Scarlett: I love you too
Me: I love you more
Scarlett: I love you most
Me: I love you infinity
Scarlett: I love you DINOSAUR!
And I'm stumped.
HAHA!
4 is a pretty awesome age.
Our First Night Home
Posted in on 2:01 AM by Alicia
Yeah, it's a couple days late, but it's one of those moments I don't want to forget years from now...
Livi was in bed and Scarlett had followed her dad and I to bed, wanting to watch her new little sister. When Vada started crying, Scarlett got concerned.
"Why is she crying??"
"Sister is hungry, we have to feed her."
"Oh! Daddy, can you get sister some cereals?"
Adam then explained that Vada is too small to eat cereal. Something on TV caught Scarlett's attention while I started nursing Vada. When she finally turned around to check on her sister, Scarlett asked to hold her.
"Mommy is feeding her right now, but when she is done eating, you can." I told her.
Scarlett leaned in really close to see around her sister's head, then looked at me with wide eyes and whispered...
"I don't think she wants to eat that!"
It was one of those sweet, honest moments. The look of horror on her face was priceless. Now she understands that sister eats milk from mommy (and mommy is the only one that makes it...no, daddy and her cannot feed sister! haha!) Boy, out of the mouths of babes, right?
Livi was in bed and Scarlett had followed her dad and I to bed, wanting to watch her new little sister. When Vada started crying, Scarlett got concerned.
"Why is she crying??"
"Sister is hungry, we have to feed her."
"Oh! Daddy, can you get sister some cereals?"
Adam then explained that Vada is too small to eat cereal. Something on TV caught Scarlett's attention while I started nursing Vada. When she finally turned around to check on her sister, Scarlett asked to hold her.
"Mommy is feeding her right now, but when she is done eating, you can." I told her.
Scarlett leaned in really close to see around her sister's head, then looked at me with wide eyes and whispered...
"I don't think she wants to eat that!"
It was one of those sweet, honest moments. The look of horror on her face was priceless. Now she understands that sister eats milk from mommy (and mommy is the only one that makes it...no, daddy and her cannot feed sister! haha!) Boy, out of the mouths of babes, right?
Vada Daphne
Posted in birth, Vada on 1:28 PM by Alicia
It came totally unexpected.
I had gone out on Saturday night with my cousin. She was worried about how I was feeling and I will never forget what I said...
I'm fine, unfortunately. I should just relax, it won't be until at least Monday now
My exact words. See I thought she'd have an all odd birthday, like her sisters have all evens...2/6/08 and 4/8/10. I figured, this girl is just going to be completely different.
I got home at 10:30, and laid in bed watching TV. It wasn't until 12:30 when I started having contractions. At the time, I thought they were Braxton Hicks...I'd had many nights like that before and had no reason to believe this was any different. I finally turned off the TV at 2 to try and get some sleep...contractions still there, but not painful at all.
4 am rolled around, and I woke up in extreme pain.
I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes, lasting a minute, but I was in denial. I didn't want to wake Adam in case it was a false alarm, so instead I ran a bath. After about 10 minutes, I called him into the bathroom. By this point, I was crying through every contraction and he suggested I call L&D. The nurse I spoke with suggested I wait until they got worse because I couldn't feel it through my whole stomach, just the lower half... I only made it 20 minutes... Adam called back to let them know we would be on our way.
We got our stuff together, my mom and sis came over to watch the older girls and by the time we were on our way to the hospital, it was 5 am.
Gosh, I'm so embarrassed by this that I'm tempted to leave it out, but I'm positive Adam will never let me forget it... I screamed nearly the whole way to the hospital... I yelled at him, the freeway, the universe and everything I could think to yell at and then just screamed out in pain. I was the typical mom in labor you see in the movies... it was awful. I never imagined myself to be like that, but I swear something entirely different takes over inside you when dealing with pain.
The ER staff was not very understanding. I made the mistake of saying something about pressure and before I could say another word, they were shoving me into one of their little rooms. I argued with nurses for a while, asking them to just take me to L&D and they refused to let me leave until they could check and make sure I wasn't ready to push her out already. I finally laid on their bed and a male nurse came over to check my cervix. He was not nice, and he was not gentle. He told everyone that he could feel my amniotic sac, but not my cervix...just send her upstairs... Thank goodness!
By the time I got up and settled in at L&D it was 6 am and I was still obnoxious during every contraction. I can't even recall how many times I apologized to the L&D nurses.
They noticed I was scheduled for a version the following day and flew into high gear. One nurse checked me (I was at 7 cm) and the other went to get the doc to do an ultrasound to confirm position.
It was right about here that I finally realized I was in labor.
I know it sounds silly to have gone through all of that and still be in denial, but everything seemed to move so quick that I didn't really absorb what was going on all around me.
I asked for medicine. Another thing I hate to admit.
I always wanted to believe I could do it naturally. I wanted to think I took the Epi with Scarlett because of a weak moment. Definitely not. I begged. I yelled. I told them they better not wait until I can't have meds to get things moving because I couldn't do it naturally. I swore I was dying...and I very honestly don't remember it hurting so bad. The nurses assured me they would get pain medicine as soon as they could.
The doc rolled in the the ultrasound machine and she was breech. I had that feeling and was preparing myself to hear the words, but I wasn't as upset as I expected to be. I mean, it wasn't my ideal by any means, but it didn't crush my spirit. I knew that I had done everything in my power. I had prayed and hoped, stood on my head, saw the chiro, tried every technique known to help...she just had her own plan...
They gave me meds to stop contractions and ease my pain and prepped me for a c-section. I get really bad anxiety attacks when it comes to medical procedures. I had several of these attacks over the next 30 minutes while prepping to have my baby. All the nurses were so wonderful and understanding and gentle. I'm thankful for that. With my last baby, I felt rushed. I felt like no one wanted to talk with me, they were just concerned with getting the job done. This time, they slowed down when I asked and the nurse sat and talked with me and the doc even talked me through an anxiety attack. She held my hand and ever so gently reminded me that my beautiful baby would be here soon. I don't think I can speak enough good about them. They definitely made my experience easier.
They started surgery and of course, it seemed to take forever. Haha! Isn't it always like that when you're excited??
Adam got to watch them take her out. It was kind of neat to watch him watching them. Then they showed her to me and moved the curtain so I could watch them clean her and measure her.
It wasn't my perfect birth, but it was perfect for what it was. And in the end, all that matters is her. My sweet little Vada is finally here. My sweet little babe who didn't have a middle name until I was walking out the hospital room door! LOL! Adam and I couldn't agree, so I told him I was going to leave it blank and change it later. I wrote it down on our way out of the room and didn't tell him until I had turned in the form. Thank goodness he loves it as much as I do!!
I had gone out on Saturday night with my cousin. She was worried about how I was feeling and I will never forget what I said...
I'm fine, unfortunately. I should just relax, it won't be until at least Monday now
My exact words. See I thought she'd have an all odd birthday, like her sisters have all evens...2/6/08 and 4/8/10. I figured, this girl is just going to be completely different.
I got home at 10:30, and laid in bed watching TV. It wasn't until 12:30 when I started having contractions. At the time, I thought they were Braxton Hicks...I'd had many nights like that before and had no reason to believe this was any different. I finally turned off the TV at 2 to try and get some sleep...contractions still there, but not painful at all.
4 am rolled around, and I woke up in extreme pain.
I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes, lasting a minute, but I was in denial. I didn't want to wake Adam in case it was a false alarm, so instead I ran a bath. After about 10 minutes, I called him into the bathroom. By this point, I was crying through every contraction and he suggested I call L&D. The nurse I spoke with suggested I wait until they got worse because I couldn't feel it through my whole stomach, just the lower half... I only made it 20 minutes... Adam called back to let them know we would be on our way.
We got our stuff together, my mom and sis came over to watch the older girls and by the time we were on our way to the hospital, it was 5 am.
Gosh, I'm so embarrassed by this that I'm tempted to leave it out, but I'm positive Adam will never let me forget it... I screamed nearly the whole way to the hospital... I yelled at him, the freeway, the universe and everything I could think to yell at and then just screamed out in pain. I was the typical mom in labor you see in the movies... it was awful. I never imagined myself to be like that, but I swear something entirely different takes over inside you when dealing with pain.
The ER staff was not very understanding. I made the mistake of saying something about pressure and before I could say another word, they were shoving me into one of their little rooms. I argued with nurses for a while, asking them to just take me to L&D and they refused to let me leave until they could check and make sure I wasn't ready to push her out already. I finally laid on their bed and a male nurse came over to check my cervix. He was not nice, and he was not gentle. He told everyone that he could feel my amniotic sac, but not my cervix...just send her upstairs... Thank goodness!
By the time I got up and settled in at L&D it was 6 am and I was still obnoxious during every contraction. I can't even recall how many times I apologized to the L&D nurses.
They noticed I was scheduled for a version the following day and flew into high gear. One nurse checked me (I was at 7 cm) and the other went to get the doc to do an ultrasound to confirm position.
It was right about here that I finally realized I was in labor.
I know it sounds silly to have gone through all of that and still be in denial, but everything seemed to move so quick that I didn't really absorb what was going on all around me.
I asked for medicine. Another thing I hate to admit.
I always wanted to believe I could do it naturally. I wanted to think I took the Epi with Scarlett because of a weak moment. Definitely not. I begged. I yelled. I told them they better not wait until I can't have meds to get things moving because I couldn't do it naturally. I swore I was dying...and I very honestly don't remember it hurting so bad. The nurses assured me they would get pain medicine as soon as they could.
The doc rolled in the the ultrasound machine and she was breech. I had that feeling and was preparing myself to hear the words, but I wasn't as upset as I expected to be. I mean, it wasn't my ideal by any means, but it didn't crush my spirit. I knew that I had done everything in my power. I had prayed and hoped, stood on my head, saw the chiro, tried every technique known to help...she just had her own plan...
They gave me meds to stop contractions and ease my pain and prepped me for a c-section. I get really bad anxiety attacks when it comes to medical procedures. I had several of these attacks over the next 30 minutes while prepping to have my baby. All the nurses were so wonderful and understanding and gentle. I'm thankful for that. With my last baby, I felt rushed. I felt like no one wanted to talk with me, they were just concerned with getting the job done. This time, they slowed down when I asked and the nurse sat and talked with me and the doc even talked me through an anxiety attack. She held my hand and ever so gently reminded me that my beautiful baby would be here soon. I don't think I can speak enough good about them. They definitely made my experience easier.
They started surgery and of course, it seemed to take forever. Haha! Isn't it always like that when you're excited??
Adam got to watch them take her out. It was kind of neat to watch him watching them. Then they showed her to me and moved the curtain so I could watch them clean her and measure her.
It wasn't my perfect birth, but it was perfect for what it was. And in the end, all that matters is her. My sweet little Vada is finally here. My sweet little babe who didn't have a middle name until I was walking out the hospital room door! LOL! Adam and I couldn't agree, so I told him I was going to leave it blank and change it later. I wrote it down on our way out of the room and didn't tell him until I had turned in the form. Thank goodness he loves it as much as I do!!
Scarlett's story
Posted in birth, Scarlett on 10:23 AM by Alicia
I can't recall if I've written it before...seems to me I haven't. Either way, it's been on my mind a lot lately.
Her whole pregnancy was a roller coaster ride, I suppose I shouldn't have expected any different for the labor and delivery...
I had preterm labor on two different occasions. After being told the whole time that she would likely be very premature, due to my 'special' uterus, I was very surprised to be entering my 40th week of pregnancy. Still, I was content.
I had a doc appointment at 10 am, so I went to work to tie up some loose ends...just in case...
At the appointment, the doc was really concerned about my blood pressure. I can't recall what the numbers were, but it was enough for the doc to send me for monitoring at the hospital. It was on the way there that the contractions started.
Got to the hospital at 11 am and I was 4 cm dilated. 2 more hours and I made it to 5. The doc, still concerned about my blood pressure, wanted to give me meds to speed along the labor. I declined meds, but allowed her to break my water...big mistake. I had no clue how much the pain would intensify after that.
At 5 pm, I finally made it to 7 cm. I used the labor ball to help with pain and sat there comfortably for a couple more hours. It wasn't until I decided to try a warm bath that I started to feel a lot of pressure. I got excited thinking I was near the end...nope...no progress. At 9 pm, I was still at 7 and I started bawling.
I lost all confidence in myself. I panicked because I felt like there was no way I could go another minute with that pain and no progress.
I got an epidural.
It was never my plan and I feel guilty about it now, but in that moment, it was probably the right decision. At 10 pm, I was resting comfortably, waiting for my labor to progress.
At 6 am, the nurse came to check me and I was at 'a stretchy 9 cm'. She suggested I push to see if we could get to a 10... big mistake #2... but I started pushing just after 6. It was a good 4 hours of pushing without progress and I was SO tired. By the time she actually started to come out, I wasn't sure I could finish pushing. The doctor tried to be encouraging, telling me to push so I could see all the hair she has (she was born nearly bald...peach fuzz is all she had...such a lie) and telling me I was doing a great job.
It wasn't until the last few pushes where things started to get crazy.
I finally pushed her head out and the doc saw the cord around her neck twice. It was never indicated on the fetal monitor. The doc cut the cord and told me to push harder because she needed to be out immediately. Then the flood of docs and nurses came in the room. I tried pushing, but she wasn't budging.
Shoulder Dystocia.
My sweet little babe was stuck, without the cord giving her oxygen.
Panic filled the room. And it all became a blur to me.
I don't even know how long it took, but the doc eventually wiggled her out.
Scarlett was born at 10:53 am.
She was blue and limp and that was all I got to see. She was rushed to the opposite side of the room where there were docs and nurses waiting to work on her.
The only thing I remember is asking repeatedly 'why isn't she crying?' and no one giving me an answer. Minutes passed...seemed like longer. When she finally took her first breath and started wailing, I was at peace.
For the doc, panic continued.
My placenta was stuck. Apparently the whole time I was concerned about my baby, she was trying to help me deliver the placenta. I was bleeding a lot. So much so that she had to take immediate action. I will never ever forget the look on my doctor's face or her tone of voice when she said
"I'm so sorry to have to do this, but I have to stop this bleeding"
The only time I screamed or really made more than a moan during my whole labor (all 24 hours of it) was when she tore my placenta away from my uterus. On the scale of pain I've had in my life, here's how it goes... Kidney stones, this placenta thing, then labor/birth.
I don't remember much after that. I'm told I went pale and started to go in and out of consciousness. They let my waiting family in the room to see the baby and then asked everyone to leave. At some point, I remember a nurse waking me to breastfeed. Honestly though, until about 5 pm that night, I was completely out of it. I ended up needing 2 blood transfusions.
In a word, the day was traumatic.
Between the troubles with the baby (her first apgar was 3) and the troubles I had, I never in my life imagined that kind of birth. Maybe that is why I am longing so badly for a natural, uneventful, "normal" birth. I don't remember much of Scarlett's first day, let along her first few minutes alive. I watched this show called One Born Every Minute and in one of the episodes, there was a birth that was just like mine. I cried. It was incredible to see it from an outside perspective. SO terrifying. (http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/one-born-every-minute/episodes/season-1/episode-2)
We both recovered quickly though. I know things could've easily been different. I'm thankful for my spunky little 3 yr old, even if we did have a rough start. LOL!
Her whole pregnancy was a roller coaster ride, I suppose I shouldn't have expected any different for the labor and delivery...
I had preterm labor on two different occasions. After being told the whole time that she would likely be very premature, due to my 'special' uterus, I was very surprised to be entering my 40th week of pregnancy. Still, I was content.
I had a doc appointment at 10 am, so I went to work to tie up some loose ends...just in case...
At the appointment, the doc was really concerned about my blood pressure. I can't recall what the numbers were, but it was enough for the doc to send me for monitoring at the hospital. It was on the way there that the contractions started.
Got to the hospital at 11 am and I was 4 cm dilated. 2 more hours and I made it to 5. The doc, still concerned about my blood pressure, wanted to give me meds to speed along the labor. I declined meds, but allowed her to break my water...big mistake. I had no clue how much the pain would intensify after that.
At 5 pm, I finally made it to 7 cm. I used the labor ball to help with pain and sat there comfortably for a couple more hours. It wasn't until I decided to try a warm bath that I started to feel a lot of pressure. I got excited thinking I was near the end...nope...no progress. At 9 pm, I was still at 7 and I started bawling.
I lost all confidence in myself. I panicked because I felt like there was no way I could go another minute with that pain and no progress.
I got an epidural.
It was never my plan and I feel guilty about it now, but in that moment, it was probably the right decision. At 10 pm, I was resting comfortably, waiting for my labor to progress.
At 6 am, the nurse came to check me and I was at 'a stretchy 9 cm'. She suggested I push to see if we could get to a 10... big mistake #2... but I started pushing just after 6. It was a good 4 hours of pushing without progress and I was SO tired. By the time she actually started to come out, I wasn't sure I could finish pushing. The doctor tried to be encouraging, telling me to push so I could see all the hair she has (she was born nearly bald...peach fuzz is all she had...such a lie) and telling me I was doing a great job.
It wasn't until the last few pushes where things started to get crazy.
I finally pushed her head out and the doc saw the cord around her neck twice. It was never indicated on the fetal monitor. The doc cut the cord and told me to push harder because she needed to be out immediately. Then the flood of docs and nurses came in the room. I tried pushing, but she wasn't budging.
Shoulder Dystocia.
My sweet little babe was stuck, without the cord giving her oxygen.
Panic filled the room. And it all became a blur to me.
I don't even know how long it took, but the doc eventually wiggled her out.
Scarlett was born at 10:53 am.
She was blue and limp and that was all I got to see. She was rushed to the opposite side of the room where there were docs and nurses waiting to work on her.
The only thing I remember is asking repeatedly 'why isn't she crying?' and no one giving me an answer. Minutes passed...seemed like longer. When she finally took her first breath and started wailing, I was at peace.
For the doc, panic continued.
My placenta was stuck. Apparently the whole time I was concerned about my baby, she was trying to help me deliver the placenta. I was bleeding a lot. So much so that she had to take immediate action. I will never ever forget the look on my doctor's face or her tone of voice when she said
"I'm so sorry to have to do this, but I have to stop this bleeding"
The only time I screamed or really made more than a moan during my whole labor (all 24 hours of it) was when she tore my placenta away from my uterus. On the scale of pain I've had in my life, here's how it goes... Kidney stones, this placenta thing, then labor/birth.
I don't remember much after that. I'm told I went pale and started to go in and out of consciousness. They let my waiting family in the room to see the baby and then asked everyone to leave. At some point, I remember a nurse waking me to breastfeed. Honestly though, until about 5 pm that night, I was completely out of it. I ended up needing 2 blood transfusions.
In a word, the day was traumatic.
Between the troubles with the baby (her first apgar was 3) and the troubles I had, I never in my life imagined that kind of birth. Maybe that is why I am longing so badly for a natural, uneventful, "normal" birth. I don't remember much of Scarlett's first day, let along her first few minutes alive. I watched this show called One Born Every Minute and in one of the episodes, there was a birth that was just like mine. I cried. It was incredible to see it from an outside perspective. SO terrifying. (http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/one-born-every-minute/episodes/season-1/episode-2)
We both recovered quickly though. I know things could've easily been different. I'm thankful for my spunky little 3 yr old, even if we did have a rough start. LOL!
Consumed
Posted in on 10:47 AM by Alicia
That's the best way I can put it...
CONSUMED
I feel like right now every moment that I'm not busy with Scar and Liv, or work, or some other little task is instead enveloped in thoughts of Vada.
Another stubborn little girl.
Another baby that just won't turn the right way.
I've tried (and continue to try daily) every possible thing to get her to turn her tush around. It's so frustrating to have no luck with it.
-Cesarean-
Ugh. It pains me just to type the word, let alone speak it. That is what I have to look forward to if she doesn't move. Not the worst thing in the world, I know. Plenty of people do it, but is it so terrible that I want to have a natural birth? I want to have that slippery, goopy little baby delivered onto my chest and have those first few moments of her life right next to me.
It's usually right here in my thoughts that my tears start flowing.
I have been trying to stay positive, but each day that passes and I still have a breech baby makes it just a little bit harder. If I have to have a c-section again, I will never have that chance for the natural birth so desire. Our hospital doesn't allow VBAC after 2 cesareans.
To add insult to injury, my silly sister-in-law wants to complain to me...me of all people she could talk to... about how bad her episiotomy still hurts. Bleh. I'd love the chance to have an episiotmy to heal from.
Yes, I know that many women would love the chance for a c-section. And I know that this could be construed many different ways. And I definitely know that I should be very grateful that I'm even lucky enough to have a baby.
But just for this moment, I want to complain. I want to shout from the roofs about how unfair it is. I want to feel that sorry for myself.
Because after I get all of this out, I will rise again.
I will remember to be grateful. I will hold my head high and know that I've done all I can. I will lay it in His hands and He will take care of V and me. I will be stronger for my struggles.
More than all of that... I will be a mother again.
I will hold my tiny little babe and nothing else in this world will matter.
Now I can take a deep breath because I feel better already.
CONSUMED
I feel like right now every moment that I'm not busy with Scar and Liv, or work, or some other little task is instead enveloped in thoughts of Vada.
Another stubborn little girl.
Another baby that just won't turn the right way.
I've tried (and continue to try daily) every possible thing to get her to turn her tush around. It's so frustrating to have no luck with it.
-Cesarean-
Ugh. It pains me just to type the word, let alone speak it. That is what I have to look forward to if she doesn't move. Not the worst thing in the world, I know. Plenty of people do it, but is it so terrible that I want to have a natural birth? I want to have that slippery, goopy little baby delivered onto my chest and have those first few moments of her life right next to me.
It's usually right here in my thoughts that my tears start flowing.
I have been trying to stay positive, but each day that passes and I still have a breech baby makes it just a little bit harder. If I have to have a c-section again, I will never have that chance for the natural birth so desire. Our hospital doesn't allow VBAC after 2 cesareans.
To add insult to injury, my silly sister-in-law wants to complain to me...me of all people she could talk to... about how bad her episiotomy still hurts. Bleh. I'd love the chance to have an episiotmy to heal from.
Yes, I know that many women would love the chance for a c-section. And I know that this could be construed many different ways. And I definitely know that I should be very grateful that I'm even lucky enough to have a baby.
But just for this moment, I want to complain. I want to shout from the roofs about how unfair it is. I want to feel that sorry for myself.
Because after I get all of this out, I will rise again.
I will remember to be grateful. I will hold my head high and know that I've done all I can. I will lay it in His hands and He will take care of V and me. I will be stronger for my struggles.
More than all of that... I will be a mother again.
I will hold my tiny little babe and nothing else in this world will matter.
Now I can take a deep breath because I feel better already.
Pray
Posted in changes, Finding me, growing up, Pray on 11:17 AM by Alicia
Oh blog... I always remember to come in my biggest time of need. I should be making regular deposits here and not letting it all build up inside of me. I sure have a lot on my mind these days...
I'm kind of in a pickle lately. On top of moving and getting all things for that ready, I find myself struggling to prove myself to people...or rather a certain person. It's silly. The people that see it, already know and the people who don't know, just don't seem to care.
I guess it goes back to my previous post. All I really want is to be loved, approved of and appreciated... It's going to be hard to let that one go, but it is so very important for me right now.
So I guess I need to ask for prayers. Please pray for me to find my way and to learn to give things to God. Please pray that I find the ability to just let go sometimes...and know the difference between the things I should let go and the ones that I should hold on to for dear life.
Amazing how a little bit of writing can change my day. I feel lighter already.
I'm kind of in a pickle lately. On top of moving and getting all things for that ready, I find myself struggling to prove myself to people...or rather a certain person. It's silly. The people that see it, already know and the people who don't know, just don't seem to care.
I guess it goes back to my previous post. All I really want is to be loved, approved of and appreciated... It's going to be hard to let that one go, but it is so very important for me right now.
So I guess I need to ask for prayers. Please pray for me to find my way and to learn to give things to God. Please pray that I find the ability to just let go sometimes...and know the difference between the things I should let go and the ones that I should hold on to for dear life.
Amazing how a little bit of writing can change my day. I feel lighter already.
First Love
Posted in adele, complaint, first love, frustrations on 10:59 AM by Alicia
So little to say
So much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
-Adele, First Love
I bite my tongue...a lot. I hate to make waves, make people feel uncomfortable or awkward, or worse, causing hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that it often hurts me to keep my mouth shut. I am the one who ends up suffering because I didn't stand up for myself, or clarify my stance or feelings.
In the recent months, I've found myself wanting to speak up more...and today, I find it incredibly hard to keep myself from making a bad situation worse by saying my peace on it. In my heart, I know it will only make things worse. Having a big blow up right now won't do anyone any good...on the other hand, I have so much I want to say. I guess I'm hoping by writing some of this out, I can let it go. A friend suggested I give it up to god... maybe this is my way of doing that... I'm not really sure. I just know that right now I need to be free of it. I don't need the stress, the anxiety or the heartache. So I will pull into my cocoon and start healing...but beware of the day that the final straw breaks the camel's back ;)
So much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
-Adele, First Love
I bite my tongue...a lot. I hate to make waves, make people feel uncomfortable or awkward, or worse, causing hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that it often hurts me to keep my mouth shut. I am the one who ends up suffering because I didn't stand up for myself, or clarify my stance or feelings.
In the recent months, I've found myself wanting to speak up more...and today, I find it incredibly hard to keep myself from making a bad situation worse by saying my peace on it. In my heart, I know it will only make things worse. Having a big blow up right now won't do anyone any good...on the other hand, I have so much I want to say. I guess I'm hoping by writing some of this out, I can let it go. A friend suggested I give it up to god... maybe this is my way of doing that... I'm not really sure. I just know that right now I need to be free of it. I don't need the stress, the anxiety or the heartache. So I will pull into my cocoon and start healing...but beware of the day that the final straw breaks the camel's back ;)
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