Pray

Oh blog... I always remember to come in my biggest time of need. I should be making regular deposits here and not letting it all build up inside of me. I sure have a lot on my mind these days...

I'm kind of in a pickle lately. On top of moving and getting all things for that ready, I find myself struggling to prove myself to people...or rather a certain person. It's silly. The people that see it, already know and the people who don't know, just don't seem to care.

I guess it goes back to my previous post. All I really want is to be loved, approved of and appreciated... It's going to be hard to let that one go, but it is so very important for me right now.

So I guess I need to ask for prayers. Please pray for me to find my way and to learn to give things to God. Please pray that I find the ability to just let go sometimes...and know the difference between the things I should let go and the ones that I should hold on to for dear life.

Amazing how a little bit of writing can change my day. I feel lighter already.

First Love

So little to say
So much time
Despite my empty mouth
The words are in my mind
-Adele, First Love

I bite my tongue...a lot. I hate to make waves, make people feel uncomfortable or awkward, or worse, causing hurt feelings. The truth of the matter is that it often hurts me to keep my mouth shut. I am the one who ends up suffering because I didn't stand up for myself, or clarify my stance or feelings.

In the recent months, I've found myself wanting to speak up more...and today, I find it incredibly hard to keep myself from making a bad situation worse by saying my peace on it. In my heart, I know it will only make things worse. Having a big blow up right now won't do anyone any good...on the other hand, I have so much I want to say. I guess I'm hoping by writing some of this out, I can let it go. A friend suggested I give it up to god... maybe this is my way of doing that... I'm not really sure. I just know that right now I need to be free of it. I don't need the stress, the anxiety or the heartache. So I will pull into my cocoon and start healing...but beware of the day that the final straw breaks the camel's back ;)

Love, Lust and Faking It

God spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen
-Byron Katie --from Jenny McCarthy's book:: Love, Lust and Faking It

This quote is something I haven't been able to get off my mind since I read it... the funny thing is that I started this post in November. I just can't seem to put into words how this makes me feel. I know it's has struck a chord deep in my mind. I ponder it nearly every day.

I think when it comes right down to it, I want to be spared.

It is my desire for love, approval and appreciation that cause most of my heartache. I'm too sensitive... Especially to how others percieve me.

On the other hand, is that what drives us? Love, approval and/or appreciation. Do we become better people as a result of desiring those things from others?

I chip away at it every day. My understanding of myself and my needs from others is continually evolving. I admit that I'm still finding my way to God and I know the closer I get there, the easier the rest will get. It's all just a part of my journey.

Gone

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're
Gone
-N'Sync

I have a heavy heart today. I guess you could call it an un-birthday of sorts... Today is the day that my little angel baby would've been a year old.

As my friends had said when it first happened, time has helped me heal, but not forget. And I'm sure a million years could pass and I will still remember this day, as well the other milestones of my pregnancy.

A good friend of mine was due the same week. At the time, I hated it. Every time I saw her just reminded me of where I should have been in my pregnancy. I saw the milestones I never reached in my pregnancy.

But now, I find myself thankful.

I was blessed with another baby. A beautiful, jubilant little butterball. You can't help but smile when you look at her...her smile is so infectious. And she lets me squish and hug and cuddle her until she can't breathe. And my little girls...the little sisters... are an amazing gift I was given. Something I would never change.

AND

I get to watch my friend's baby grow. I get to remember my angel when I see her little girl. And when she celebrates her first birthday on Wednesday, I will be there. I will hold her and squeeze her like she was my own...because she will always have a special place in my heart. She will always be my sweet reminder that I did have another baby... My body did hold another little life... My life was changed.

And instead of the anger and pain I once had, I find peace, and love and hope. God had another plan for me...



It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Aquarius

Born of a sign that carries water
But in a month that brings just ice
I'm not a skillful water carrier
But I've learned to carry love
learned to carry love
-Regina Spektor

Scarlett had a sensitive morning today. I mentioned it to her teacher at daycare and she said "oh, she's aquarius right? it's all good". Kind of made me giggle... My little 'water' baby. I guess I can see that...her emotions are so fluid... here's what astrology had to say about her :: An Aquarian child will often be totally unpredictable and come up with with lots of ideas; she will also be sensitive and intuitive :: and that she is.


Suprisingly, both of my girls are true to thier 'signs'...mommy, too::

The Virgo in a nutshell-
Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something.

It kind of makes me wonder what I could learn about my friends and family if I knew more about thier signs. I can see how I could become a better friend and shoulder to lean on if I understood their thought processes.

I mean, I can't help but question it all, but is sure is interesting, right?

Innocent

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin’ to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent

Did some things you can’t speak of
But tonight you’ll live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catchin’ days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild ’til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent

Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too

Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new

It’s all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been
You’re still an innocent

It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent
You’re still an innocent

Lost your balance on a tightrope
It’s never too late to get it back

Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
-U2

My 'quarter-life crisis' continues... I find myself in a struggle to let myself just become who I am. I'm feeling a lot of resistance to change. Not only within myself, but with others, too.

It's not possible to please everyone.

I think I just need to go forward with the best intentions and put my faith in God that he will lead me in the right direction.

I need to realize that there are likely to be glitches, but they are not the end of the road, only minor setbacks.

I really need to remember my forgiveness post.

And I desperately need to surround myself with the love and support of my friends and family.