Your Body is a Wonderland

Your body is a wonderland
-John Mayer

It's funny to me how a few years, some great friends and life lessons can change your perspective on things... not to mention a sweet whisper from an amazing hubby...

When I was pregnant with Scarlett, I remember being so self-conscious about my changing body. I shied away from others touching my belly, I checked the mirror every day for stretch marks, spent loads of money on creams and oils that never worked, and hid myself under baggy maternity clothes and jackets. I wasn't ashamed of being pregnant, I just couldn't get myself to embrace my body. I think some of it was because I had just spent a year and a half losing weight and my husband wasn't as affectionate as he had been before.

So, here I am nearly 3 year later, loving my belly. Want to see it?


Ok...so what changed?

First (and I think most importantly) my darling husband caught me looking at myself in the mirror (NO, I wasn't looking for stretch marks...I have so many, what would one more be?!). He came up behind me, leaned in close and whispered 'you look so sexy'. My response? LAUGHTER! He said 'Seriously... you look gorgeous.' It sparked a conversation about his lack of affection. I found out that he felt guilty about all the problems I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Scarlett and it carried over. This time it was amplified because of the loss we had last year. It's nice to know that I'm not a total cow in my husband's eyes and definitely boosted my confidence about my big, beautiful body ;)

Speaking of, our loss had a huge impact on me...naturally, right? I think I may have taken it all a bit for granted with Scarlett. I never really stopped to think of the wonder and miracle that babies are. I never fully grasped how incredible my body is to be able to give life. This time, I get it. I may gain 100 lbs or 5 lbs, but each pound has a purpose. My body is changing and growing to nourish the tiny one inside me. I am her home, her whole life and I will give anything to keep her and help her.

I also have some pretty amazing friends. They are always there to remind me of those things I forget. They are always lifting me up when I'm down. Most importantly, they are always supportive. I'm really lucky to have them. On days when I feel blue, I can count on them to remind me of my blessings. Even on good days, I find lessons in thier words, wisdom in thier actions and love in thier hearts that doesn't compare. They each inspire me in thier own ways to be a better woman, a better wife and a better mother.

Now, I'm at pregnancy number three and FINALLY embracing the experience. I'm not saying I don't complain, because I sure do sometimes, but I really try to cherish every moment, every movement of this little one and every ache and pain. Because really, it *is* a miracle. New life is incredible and being able to experience it is even more amazing.

And besides, my hubby thinks I'm sexy...

Hey, Soul Sister

He made me cry last night... the good kind of cry.

He came home very excited to have me listen to a new song he heard. "It reminds me SO much of you. I could've written it...well, except the part about Mr. Mister, because I've never heard you listen to them"

Just that he thought of me made my eyes well up with tears, then the song started. It's not even a sappy love song... more goofy and off the wall, upbeat kind of song. I couldn't help the tears that came. I'm so lucky to have him.

Youre the only one Im dreaming of, you see
I can be myself now finally
In fact theres nothing I cant be
I want the world to see youll be with me
-Train, Hey Soul Sister

I've Learned My Lessons

I've learned my lesson
Been down that road before
I've learned my lesson
And the message is you'll never fly
'Til you learn how to fall
-Mr. Big, I've Learned My Lessons

I'm sure it's not the first time this has happened to someone, but it will certainly be the last time it happens to me! I mean, honestly, how dare I question my darling daughter's words???

Last night, Scarlett and I went to my cousin's house for dinner. After she had finished eating, I asked if she needed to go potty and she did. We went to the bathroom and she sat up on the toilet and peed. CELEBRATION!

(She's been doing really well with peeing in the potty. I'm so excited about how quickly she's figuring it all out.)

Anyway... She didn't want to put the pull up on when she was done and I (in my lazy, pregnant state) didn't want to chase her around the house. I sat on a chair and asked her to come put her 'big girl pants' on. She ran around like a mad woman for a few minutes and I mentioned to my cousin how "I'd be worried about her not having underpants on if she hadn't just gone potty." I sure ate those words. Scarlett said potty as she ran by the bathroom and I told her we'd just gone and she needed to put her big girl pants on. Another lap around the kitchen and dining room and she stood in the hall in front of the bathroom. I was distracted by something, turned my head and when I looked back, I was horrified!

Still standing in the hall, she had poo'd on the floor.

Oh. my. gosh.

I can't even remember all the things that went though my head at that moment, but I'm sure it was something like this: Did she really just do that? Why didn't I take her potty when she said it again? I hope this cleans up easily. I'm so embarassed. What a stinker...literally! She's really smart about potty, I guess. Why didn't I just grab her and put the pull up on? Oh my gosh. I can't believe this is really happening.

Thank goodness my cousin laughed it off. She has 4 kids of her own, so she knows how things can be. I'm still in complete shock about it all.

I guess the moral of this story is that you should never doubt a 2 year old. LOL!

Helpless When She Smiles

She'll dance away just like a child,
She drives me crazy, drives me wild,
But I'm helpless when she smiles.
-Backstreet Boys, Helpless When She Smiles

I think the takeover has become official. I'm no longer in control at my house, it's now under the rule of a 34 inch, 24 lb toddler who thinks she knows everything.

Is it bad that I find her completely hilarious?! I mean, as long as there isn't a fit, or screaming/crying involved, I think she is just funny.

Example 1: Saturday she talked back to her dad... I had to hide my face in a blanket so she wouldn't see me laughing until I cried! There was a dog food commercial on with an English Bulldog. Adam got excited (his favorite kind of dog) and showed Scarlett the puppy. Moments later, the screen flashed to 3 poodles (dogs that Adam can't stand, for whatever reason) and Scarlett got *really* excited. She was bouncing up and down saying 'puppen' over and over again. Adam told her no way, no poodles and that little girl wagged her finger at him and mumbled some kind of response back to him. This went back and forth between them for a few minutes, until Adam finally said "no poodles" and Scarlett said "fine!". Funny now? Totally! In a few years? Definitely not. I feel like I should be doing things to correct this, but it's kind of hard when I can't even catch my breath between the belly shaking laughs.

Example 2: 'NO' was her word of the day yesterday. I hate that it's so cute when she says it. She purses her lips out really far with the oooo sound of the word and continues about her business as if nothing happened. Ready for a nap? Nooooo. Want to have dinner? Nooooo. Let's go bye-bye... Nooooo. It's bath time! Nooooo. And my personal favorite... Do you need to go potty? Nooooo. Which is quickly followed by her running to the bathroom. Sometimes I think she just likes the word NO.

Right here is where I started considering putting a disclaimer up at the top of this post: I'm not really as bad of a mom as this makes me sound! LOL!!!!

Example 3: After her bath last night, she was really really tired. She had decided not to nap during the day (despite my best efforts) and was really hitting the end of her rope. Boy, let me tell you, she is CRAZY when she is that tired. Not the bad kind, the fall over laughing because she is so silly kind. I definitely get the bad mommy award for last night... I ended up letting her stay up another hour and half after her bath. I was having far too much fun playing with her, watching her laugh at herself and just enjoying the wonderful time together. It's not often that I have these great times where she doesn't act like the 'terrible twos' are taking over my little angel. I wanted to soak up every second of it. And when she started winding down, I took her to bed and she didn't make a peep. It was a great evening. A wonderful reminder that while she still has those horrid fits, my funny little girl is still in there. :)

*Sigh*

I think I'm becoming soft. I find myself starting to worry that Scarlett won't adjust to her new sister as easily as I'd like to imagine. I'm scared she's going to have big issues and I feel really bad. I think I'm trying to make things as easy as possible between her and I in this next few months that we have as *just* her and I. Probably not the best idea, but I suppose I'll deal with the consequences as they come. Soon she'll have to share me.

Happy

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy
-Natasha Beddingfield, Happy

The mood has passed. That little grey cloud that I felt hung on me yesterday has dissipated, with much thanks to my Happy Pill. Sounds like an ad for some anti-depression meds... I have my own form of that, I guess.

I have an amazing husband, who always seems to know what I need before I need it.

Ever since Thanksgiving, my sisters-in-law quizzed me daily about what I wanted for Christmas. It took me a few weeks to think of things, but when I decided, i was really excited. I wanted bath goodies from Lush, my favorite bath goody store. Then a few weeks later, they told me they went to the store and left empty handed because they didn't like the smell. BUMMER! I was disappointed.

Fast forward to Christmas morning (and if kids are reading, stop here...). We opened presents and passed out stockings. I looked in my stocking to see that my wonderful husband drove over a half hour before work one day so that he could fill my stocking with LUSH bath balls, melts and bubble bars. He's so sweet. I'm not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm so glad I did.

And then we come to last night... After I put the little one to bed, I thought about how nice a warm bath sounded. I pulled out my bag of goodies so I could find one to put in the tub with me. THIS is what I found... a happy pill. I couldn't help but smile when reading about it. I love that he picked that one out. I like to think he imagined my face and my thoughts when I opened it and read the 'purpose' of this bomb. It makes me laugh when I imagine his thought process in choosing this... 1) wife is crabby. 2) she wants a bath. 3) drop in Happy Pill. 4) Play video games while she bathes. 5) She comes out smiling.

It worked like a charm. Incredible bath, and I did come out smiling.

I'm so glad he's mine.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with them
-The Wreckers- Stand Still, Look Pretty

It's one of those days... You know, the kind where you wish you had stayed in bed.
Maybe it's the rain (I could add another song here... 'blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah').
Could be the lingering sadness of my hubby being back to work (for some reason it's really really hard for me this time).
It's possibly the pregnancy hormones (a very good possibility).

It's just that nothing has gone right today. From the moment I woke up, my mom was texting me about her problems with my dad. Mind you, they've been divorced for 23 years, but they've been good friends ever since. I hate these problems more than anything. I am always in the middle, feeling like the moderator in their disputes. My darn brother sucks the life out of them. How is it possible that a 29 year old can't manage his own money and bills? Because they continue to support this problem. They always bail him out, so he never has that need to do it the right way. It's thier problem to figure out and deal with though, not mine...

The real problem with their problem is where I fall. Neither of them have much time for me anymore... my mom is dating some new guy and my dad just doesn't come around often anymore. Top that off with the fact that my brother only comes around when he needs food or money. Bleh.

I think I'm too needy. I just need to have people around, or talk to people...I need that connection and no one else in my immediate life seems to. There are a couple exceptions... My cousin is awesome and invites me over regularly and my sister-in-law is usually good about wanting to hang out, but that includes her mom most times and the mother-in-law and I don't get along so well.

My husband went back to work. Did I mention that?

My daughter has hit the 'terrible twos'...they are every bit as terrible as they sound.

My work is a disaster...everything is a mess that I have to figure out how to put back together.

Had to argue with a cell phone provider regarding $330 worth of charges they are billing me, but don't want to show me why. Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a copy of the bill to prove why I owe it? Obiously my choice to disconnect a few months ago was a good one...

I feel fat. Yes, I'm pregnant and that is why I have a big, bulging belly, but somehow it's not obvious to a lot of people, so I'm just fat.

I have too many wants. Honestly. I'm really selfish and feel guilty about it.

HAHA! And I'm throwing myself a pity party now.

Someone should tell me to just shut up. The Wreckers said it best...There are people with problems that are worse than mine. So true. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a lot of good in my life and I won't forget it.

Let's just blame it on the rain, k?

And for good measure, I'll list some things that I'm happy or excited about.

Scarlett used the 'podden' all day yesterday. She did wet in her diaper a couple times, but every time she sat on the toilet she went pee. She even woke up asking to go!! Huge accomplishment and big step toward my goal of her being potty trained before our 2nd baby arrives.

I scheduled a 3d ultrasound! I was really hesitant to because I wanted to be surprised with how she looked, but I really really want to see her again.

Hubby doesn't have to work overtime this weekend!! He even said we could go to the Melting Pot for dinner or even just dessert.

A friend of my mom's is considering selling his house to us! I'd love love love to be in a new house soon.

Ok, I think that sets me right with the karma world. ;) Thanks for listening.

Stay or Leave

1 am rolled around and he was fighting his sleep. Fighting hard, for me.

Part of it is because I'm such a night owl. I could easily stay up until 3 am before passing out. I try and try to sleep earlier (it's not easy to get out of bed for work when I stay up so late) but I just end up staring at the ceiling listening to my hubby mumble and snore in his sleep.

The other part is that it was our last night home together and I didn't want it to end. His vacation is over. It seemed too short, but I'm trying hard to be thankful for the time we did have. I made him stay up until he just physically couldn't do it anymore. I made him talk to me and rub my back and even (gasp) cuddle! Haha! I have to say it like that because I can't cuddle when I go to sleep. I need some space...breathing room, especially with my ever expanding belly.

Sounds silly to even make a big deal of...

He comes home every night. I should be grateful for that. Some days it just seems so hard. Today is one of them. I'll see him at 11 pm and he'll be ready for bed by midnight. I guess that's ok. I should appreciate more that I have that hour with him... I'm just selfish. I want more. I want him all to myself, all the time. Silly me.

p.s. Sorry, I just couldn't pick one part of the song... I just love the whole thing.

May be different but remember
Winters warm there you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes...
The river swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did

so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
or that I coulda done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went
So what to do with the rest of the days afternoon
Hey, isn’t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I could?

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
-Dave Matthews Band, Stay or Leave