You're Sixteen

You're all ribbons and curls, ooh, what a girl
Eyes that sparkle and shine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine
-Ringo Starr

My little peanut is 16 weeks old today. I know this song is meant for a 16 year old, but right now, 16 weeks seems so profound.

Where did the time go?

She got her first tooth in two days ago... Huge shock to me! Scarlett didn't get a tooth until she was 6 months, so 3.5 seemed far too early to even think about it. Somehow, I think this will be true to her form. I have this funny feeling Liv is going to be our child full of surprises. She's so quiet and alert. It sounds kind of funny to make assumptions about who your child will be when they're only 16 weeks, but I swear, thier personalities develop so quickly. I always knew Scarlett would be happy, silly, a big talker and wildy expressive... Olivia is already very different. My little Liv is quieter, speaking up only when she has something big to say, she is curious, but reserved and a wee bit more dependent than her big sister was. All in all, I'd call her a nice balance to Scarlett's outgoing, wild, silly nature.

It's so interesting to think about these things now. In two years, will I still feel this way? Will they be completely different? Or are these glimmers of characteristics a peek into the personalities my girls are going to develop in their adult lives? I could probably go on and on with this, so I'll stop myself here... I do think about it often though.

Livvy rolls over now, too. She's been working at it for a while, but couldn't quite get her tubby little self over. But that is another milestone she checked off this week.

Anyone know where I can get a 'pause', 'slow', and 'rewind' button? I feel like I need those right about now. I feel like each day slips into another too quickly. I don't have enough time to savor each moment, each new milestone before another comes.

For now, it's a happy 16 week birthday to my littlest and my oldest will be 2.5 years next week.

Random Thoughts

These are just random samplings of the workings of my mind lately. Forgive the awful awful titles...nothing seems to capture the poetry good enough, so I gave up trying to name them. Still toying with a Lady Gaga themed poem...should be interesting!

LOVESICK
A stolen kiss
Still somehow yearning for
His lingering embrace
Desperate for the feeling
Emotion
Lulled through her surrendering
It's no secret the girl is lovesick

LAUGHTER
At the edge of laughter
Uninvited
Fresh, simple, serene
So fiercely radiant
The broken thoughts distort
A quiet dreamer

LOST
Uncharted
No hope that this
Broken girl will float
Lost in the unkown
Uncertain of what
Her heart is scraming

GUILTY
Guilt floods into my mind
Crushing me entirely.
Deep into the unkown,
A sudenly empty reality.
Desperation swirls
As I long for
The promise of better days.

COCOON
His seductive whisper
Softly grazes warmth across her neck.
A wordles bond wraps
This sweet young love.
They hesistate,
Slow to kiss.
Cocooned in a perfect moment.

WINTER
Winter's muse,
A cold love,
Quickly spread into
Charming illusions.
Blurred forever though the warmth,
Surrendering to a patient spring.

Find My Way Back

I used to get away with so much
Now I can't get away.
I even thought that it was simple
To say the things I wanted to say
-Michelle Branch, Find My Way Back

I find lately that I'm at a loss for words. Everything on my mind just isn't translating to sentences. I'm feeling more poetic, so I'll try and express myself that way for now.

I don't think I could tame
That beautiful free spirit.
Always on my mind.
Forever in my heart.
Perhaps it will never be tamed
And maybe it's not supposed to be.

It's all a blur,
Fleeting colors that never stop.
Life is passing me by
And I can't keep up.
I really want it all to stop,
And make these moments last.
It's just hard to believe
My baby girls are growing up so fast

Due Date

Today is my due date...or was anyway... My beautiful little girl had a different plan. Instead of anxiously awaiting the contractions or water breaking, I'm snuggling my 12 day old peanut.

Yes, she was 12 days early. Not very early by most standards, but my first daughter stayed snuggled in there until a week after her due date. I think I expected the same for this one.

I was caught by complete surprise. There was no way I was in labor already. There was still so much to do and more importantly, she was still breech. I needed more time... And so I refused to let myself or anyone else think I was in labor for longer than I should have.

I remember sitting at work wondering to myself if anyone could tell how uncomfortable I was. I remember the feeling of dread when I finally called the nurse and how uninterested she seemed in my contractions until I told her that my babe was breech. I remember praying for the doc to call me back quicker and praying even harder that the contractions stopped before he called. And worst of all, the tears that came when I called Adam to come get me to go to the hospital.

Don't get me wrong. I was ecstatic at the thought that I might meet my baby soon. I couldn't wait to see her sweet face. I was dying to know if she had hair. I wanted to snuggle her close and inhale that scent that only comes from a fresh new life. I relished in the thought of Scarlett seeing her sister for the first time.

But I was scared. In fact, terrified is probably a better word.

I was at the hospital the day before for an external version. It was unsuccessful. As many times as she had turned down and back again, she wouldn't budge an inch when the doc pushed. I left the hospital that day and went right back to trying all the little tricks that worked before. None of them worked, as I could still feel her head in my ribs. I wasn't overly worried yet, as I had 2 weeks before my due date. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Somewhere between my call to the doctor, and the time I got hooked up to the monitors (just over an hour), my contractions went from 8-10 minutes apart to 2-4 minutes apart.

I had the sweetest nurse I could have asked for. She was so wonderful and patient with me. She talked through my concerns with me and understood when I needed time to process the things they were telling me. I am so thankful for that. There were plenty of nurses there who were far from kind or understanding of my situation.

She called the doctor after monitoring me for a half hour (contractions 2-3 minutes apart and dilated 3 cm) and getting and ultrasound to confirm breech position. I could hear the conversation...or her side of the conversation. I imagined what he was saying, based on her responses. The last thing I remember hearing from their conversation was "c-section? OK." and I couldn't hold back the tears.

Adam held back his excitement (he'd been saying for a week how ready he was for babe to be here already). He knew it was a hard thing for me to come to. We had several conversations over the previous few weeks about c-section and the lengths I would go to in order to avoid one. So instead of grinning ear to ear, like I'm sure would've been his first instinct, he held me close and let me wallow in that sorrow until the nurse came back in a few minutes later.

She confirmed what I had heard. The doc wants to do a c-section, but he'd be in to talk with me when he arrived. Then she didn't leave my side until the doc came and left. She answered every question I could think to ask (some of it, I find out now, was more comforting answers than real ones...like the size of my incision...).

When the doc came in to talk, he explained the situation to me several times. Each time he would tell me the reasons a c-section was the best possible outcome right now, he would wait for me to agree. After a minute of silence, he started the speech again, using different words and tones. I understood completely what he was saying, but couldn't make myself give him the OK. After a quite a few minutes of talking in circles, I mustered up "alright".

Then came the whirlwind.

Over the next hour, I was prepped for the c-section. There wasn't a time in that hour that there was less than 3 nurses around me. It was so hectic. One wanted my arm for the IV, one wanted to help me understand the consent forms, another was getting medications ready for me...I felt like I barely had a moment to catch my breath. I don't think I really got a chance to let it sink in.

I did manage to get some excitement going sometime during that hour. I made calls to the people I promised and announced that our babe would be arriving. Wow. She was really coming!! As scary as the impending surgery part was, I was going to meet the little girl who I had been growing for so many months.

Walking into the surgery room was really overwhelming. It was kind of a process for me, where I had to pause every few steps or around every corner to let it soak in for a moment. For me, surgery has always been scary. No matter what it was for or how simple it was or how quickly I was suppose to recover. Just the idea of induced sleep and people working inside my body makes me tense. This time, not only are the working on me, but my unborn daughter was involved too. I think that made the stakes a lot higher in my mind and the surgery a lot scarier.

I was given the spinal while Adam watched from outside the door. I'm not good with needles... thank goodness I didn't see what they used or how it was done. It was a weird sensation though. I expected to be completely numb from the chest down, but I could feel the doctor touching me. It wasn't painful at all, just weird. It was like every time I felt a touch, I expected pain. It was kind of anxiety inducing. Time went really quickly though, and before I realized it, Olivia made her way into the world.

It seemed to take a while to get her cleaned up and over to see me, but once she was near me, nothing else mattered. I don't remember feeling the doctor anymore, I didn't hear the anesthesiologist anymore and my anxiety fell away. I'm so thankful the doctor allowed her to stay in the room with me. That was one thing I was really adamant about. I'd always heard they took the baby to another room while they closed up the incision and I couldn't bear the thought.

Recovery has been harder than I expected. There's no way to know, really, unless you've been through it I guess. It's just hard to feel that pain all the time. It's hard for me to not pick up Scarlett and hard for her to understand why I can't. I feel like this transition to having a new sister has been harder because of that. I suppose there is no way to really know though.

I know I mentioned my incision earlier...if you're wondering, the nurse said it'd be about 3 inches (the doc did too)...it's more like 5. It seems to be healing really well though, and I doubt it will leave much of a scar. Not that it is visible to anyone anyway...

Gosh, this is a lot longer than I thought it'd be. And a lot more depressing. I went back and read it a couple times. I want it to be so much happier, but right now, this is my reality. This is my truth. I think as I come to terms with how it all happened, it will be happier, but right now it is what it is. This is how I feel right this moment.

I struggle a lot right now with the complete disconnect I have with the birth. I don't feel like I was a part of it. I think once I can connect with it, come to terms with the fact that it didn't go like I planned and transition into being a mommy of two, I will feel a lot better and this story will be a lot shorter and sound a lot happier.

In the end, I have an incredible baby. Miss Olivia Johanna was born at 4:17pm on April 8th. She seems like such a peanut compared to her sister. She was just 7lbs 13 oz and 20.5 inches...Scarlett was a whole pound and a whole inch bigger. She is just a sweet little baby though. I rarely hear fusses from her and if she cries, it's because you are changing her clothes or diaper. I remember Scarlett doing the same thing for a few weeks. She is a champion sleeper, too. I've been getting good sleep every night...she has given herself a schedule of sleeps and eats at night. It's amazing. My little Liv has the sweetest smiles and the warmest cuddles...and she has that fantastic baby smell. I don't think there is anything better than that smell. Not only that, but her sister adores her. I can't wait to watch them grow up together. Scarlett constantly talks about her sister and wants to hold and kiss her and tell her "I yove yooo..mo mo more!"

I suppose it doesn't really matter how she arrived. It's in the past...what matters right now is her and the rest of my family. We are all happy, we are all healthy and we are closer because of the things we've been through together.

That's Not My Name

They call me 'quiet girl'
But I'm a riot
Mary, Jo, Lisa
Always the same
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
-The Ting Tings

I think I've spoken before of how cute it is to hear Scarlett pronounce her words. It's fun to hear her emphasis and the syllables that she leaves out. This was never one of them. From the very first time she said 'spider', I knew what she was talking about... my husband did not. He asked her to say the word several times yesterday before he finally broke down and asked what she was saying (through his laughs, actually). I told him that she was asking to play spiders (The Itsy Bitsy Spider story we have on our phones). He laughed even harder... "it sounds like she's saying badass"... Maybe you should be the judge...



HAHA!! Yes, I agree with him that if you don't know what she's trying to say, it sounds an awful lot like badass, so that's his new favorite thing to get her to say.

Oh the goofiness in my house sometimes.

Not Ready to Make Nice

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
-Dixie Chicks

Well, she's officially found it. My Achilles heel. And she now knows how to break my heart with two simple words.

It was Saturday and nearing her bedtime. She was playing with her little purse, opening and closing, adding new things and taking others out. I'm not sure what came over her, but she decided to hit me with it. I asked her not to do that, it's not nice to hit people. She turned and hit her dad. I took the purse away from her and told her that we have to be nice and since she wasn't being nice with the purse, she didn't need to play with it right now.

The tears started immediately.

I got up to use the restroom, leaving the two of them on the couch. Adam (who admits he isn't as fluent in Scarlett's language as I am) came to the door to ask me what she was saying. "It sounds like nigh nigh... is she ready for bed?". I told him I wasn't sure and I'd be out in a second.

When I came into the living room, I could see how he would think it was 'nigh nigh'. It took me a minute to realize what she was saying...

There, sitting on the couch, wiping tears from her eyes, my little girl was pleading her case.

"I nice"

Talk about hitting a nerve!! I couldn't give her that purse back quick enough... All I wanted to do for the rest of the night was hold her and tell her that she was a good girl and she *is* nice. I can't even tell you how awful I felt.

So there you have it. Two little words that can bring a grown woman to her knees... well, when said by the right little person anyway.

Colors of the Wind

For whether we are white or copper skin
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth and still
All you'll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
- Disney's Pocahontas, Colors of the Wind

Thinking about my song choice for the day, it might seem kind of weird to you. It is a very special song to me, though...

We sang this for our fall concert in 7th grade. It was the very first time I had a *solo* in choir. I sang the whole first verse. It was monumental for me and I think it really was the springboard to my love of singing and music. To this day, I still remember trembling stepping up to the microphone and the slight quiver in my voice when I started. So, when I went searching for something to go along with what I wanted to post today, it seemed natural to add this song.

If I was titling this myself, it'd have been "My Too Cute Two Year Old".

I know there are loads and loads of horror stories about the 'terrible twos', but I think there is a definite lack of stores about what I will affectionately call the 'too cute twos'. This will be proof of the latter...



She opened a gift for her birthday, saw the sunglasses and didn't care about anything else. IT was a cute little outfit that matched, along with some hair bows... she didn't even look at it... all she wanted to do was put on a little show with her new glasses.

One thing that I find incredible at this age is how fast they learn. I'm nearly positive that every evening when I have conversations with Scarlett, she says a new word. I love *love* hearing her pronounce new words for the first time. It's so funny to watch her explore her noises and imitate sounds. SO, recently she began asking something very specific and I nearly fell over... It is *the* cutest (other than 'I yove you') word she says right now...



So there it is...just a little glimpse into a 'too cute twos' moment. Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of 'terrible two' moments, too, but I try not to dwell on those. She's learning about herself and boundaries and compromise and those kinds of things...It has to be hard.